@fesshole

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b3ta.com/addfess
Joined June 2018
  • Tweets45.4K
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Your Fesshole editor has done a book, a response to the world being dominated by AI slop, he's gone back to his ZX81 & written 81 jokes and also, illustrated each one using the exact limitations of this 1981 computer. All by hand. Buy it for Xmas. spelk.press/gb/products/81-j…
81 jokes for the zx81

ALT 81 jokes for the zx81

“Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

ALT “Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

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I work at a 24-hour gym, and you bet the weirdos come out at night. I once spent a very happy half-hour watching the hot tub on CCTV and turning off the jets whenever freakazoid tried to hump the jets. Staff all gathered round. Good times.
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A lady in town in walks all over. I see her often & each time we pass, she puts her hand up & I return it. Fact is, I only put my hand up to her first as I mistook her for someone else. Now we seem to be in an eternal loop of hand waving every time we see each other.
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In 11 years as a software engineer, not once have I reviewed a pull request. I jump on them quickly, check how long they are, and wait an appropriate length of time before waving them through. If there's a bug I'm sure it'll be caught in testing, and it's nice to unblock people.
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I never used to get on with my older sister. For about 20 years I would intentionally spell her name wrong in every birthday and Christmas card I gave her.
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I hated my brown eyes and wanted green ones, like my best friend, Stacey. I pedaled my bike to the arts and crafts shop and asked the lady behind the counter which paints to use for my eyes. When she understood me she made me give her our phone number and called my mum.
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As a child it occurred to me that since chemical reactions work better with heat, I could make a glow stick brighter by microwaving it. Stick popped, microwave covered in chemicals. Dad got the blame, parents divorced soon after.
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Have you confessed on Fesshole yet? Go here to admit your sin: b3ta.com/addfess

Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Submitting a confession to Fesshole gives Fesshole permission to publish it. Duh. Also we DO NOT store your email - that asterisk saying 'required' is to stop people submitting blank confessions.

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Before putting the washing machine on I have blown my nose into a t shirt I'm about to wash. Saves on tissues.
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Worked on a gay phone chat line in the 90s, the message exchange type. It was my job to keep people on the phone as long as possible. I also covered the straight chat line when they needed. I put on a femme voice, called myself Nicky, a posh PA from London. The guys loved it.
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I only use my loyalty card about half the time I go to the off-licence, because I work for the loyalty card company and I'm worried my boss knows how much I drink.
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The word 'behemoth' has always made me stop and laugh whenever I've read it, even in serious media pieces. It sounds too much like 'wet animal' in its etymological roots, like my puppy in a bath. My date tonight disagreed with the thrust of my brief TED Talk and ended the date.
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Add your fess: b3ta.com/addfess
My prosthetic leg fell off whilst i was at a cashpoint once. Inconvenient for me, horrific for the woman standing behind me. Fesshole GOLD from 21st June 2021

ALT My prosthetic leg fell off whilst i was at a cashpoint once. Inconvenient for me, horrific for the woman standing behind me. Fesshole GOLD from 21st June 2021

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I tell people I deactivated Facebook as I was sick of the never ending cycle of bad news stories. In reality, it's because I received 4 birthday greetings from the 300-odd "friends" I had, down from 7 the previous birthday. Made me feel so lonely. Couldn't face that every year.
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I've joined Facebook groups for areas I don't live at just for the drama, wind chimes, people leaving their bins where they are not supposed to and bright lights. Winge winge winge, fucking hilarious.
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Once put the clock forward by 20 minutes in A-Level Biology, the teacher knew and he let us out 20 minutes early. I also got kicked out of A-Level Biology and had to repeat the year. Not sure who won.
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Aged 19 I read The Dice Man and decided to try living The Dice Life. Within a day the dice had made me eat a Breville toastie containing my own spunk. That was the end of my Dice Life.
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I wish I'd looked after myself better earlier in life. I'm 68 and look allot older. My wife on the other hand looks incredible and we're the same age. I got asked the other day if she was my daughter. It's the ultimate embarrassment
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On my cycle commute I pass a bus garage early morning. I take great pleasure in shouting as I pass "Get those buses out" in my best Blakey voice from On the Buses.
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My girlfriend invited her virgin friend to watch us have sex. She sold it to me as a kinky experience. It was far from it. I've never been so self-aware in my life. She now keeps expecting me to thank her for letting it happen.
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I have been going to gigs for over 30 years, but for some reason I will avoid wearing the t shirt of a band that are on the bill. I don't know why this is, but it's always been the case. I know this isn't the most exciting confession, but it is true.
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