~Sir Alès retweeted
Wasichana wa uwanja still dancing on TikTok to make ends meet; mtaendelea kuteseka because you have refused to smell the winds of change. Kama hujaomoka since time ya COVID, rusha hiyo ring light chini ya kitanda, mtoto wetu; itaendelea kukuletea njaa.
There is a new update, na juu sina roho mbaya, nitawapatia for free!
Kama uko na kiuno yako ndogo na hujaharibu mwili na mandazi surwa ama KFC Mtaani, then tuko biashara.
Now, pale YouTube, content creators are raking in millions by showcasing African culture while cooking and dressing in revealing clothes, just to show Caucasians the pathway to Singapore, but hiding the destination carefully. There is growing demand for indigenous ways worldwide, as humans have slowly become fatigued by the modernities of this age.
So, funga two-bedroom yako in Nairobi, na kama hamna shamba, talk to that gatekeeping uncle of yours akupatie section ya shamba yake near a river, and to “jump-start” you na mbuzi moja; then viungo, surely, hutashindwa kununua.
Gadeeemit!
As you leave the city, make sure to pack those sexy miniskirts, “fishnets” to capture vulnerable fishes online, crop tops na backless dera utakuwa unazungusha ugali kama umeivaa. Then, arm yourself na history ya your people, which you will be dropping strategically during your recordings, and have “fire” captions for your videos kama, “A lonely, beautiful Kikuyu woman cooks raw goat meat while facing Mt. Kenya!”
Your language should obviously be in pure English, na ukitumia lugha ya nyumbani, unaweka captions hapo chini; ni CPM ya wazungu tunakimbiza hapa my Dia! Ikiwezekana, weka proxy ikuwe ya USA, but content utakuwa unarusha directly from hapa nyumbani.
Aki ya Mungu, even with 50K views per video, utakuwa unakula na kijiko mtoto wetu!
Shauri yenu!
Haloooooo!
Inset: Successful content creator Janet Matinde cooks for her loyal clients in Miami, USA, “live live.”
Link; youtu.be/_hS32MY1CGk?si=3Pgp…
~Sir Alès retweeted
Kuna fictional stories I used to read on Sunday Nation by mwalimu Andrew(Dre). A fictional head master at mwisho wa lami primary school. Buana that guy was so satirical and humorous. I should get back to reading those stories nione kama bado huwa anaenda kutoa lock at Hitlers'.
~Sir Alès retweeted
For a Kalenjin man in the village, a tractor comes first before a car.
Gari haikuangi ya maana sana, maybe a small one for your wife and the kids wakienda church. Gari huwa inakuja ukianza kupata pressure from friends, ama mtu akukosee heshima. There's a neighbour of mine huko Lower Moiben who owned 5 tractors yet he didn't have a car. His friend alikuwa anampatia lift every time they're going to church. So one day his friend failed to pick him by mistake. Mans took it as madharau. The next morning aliamka asubuhi akaenda kuleta Toyota Hilux mupya haha.
~Sir Alès retweeted
When you watch these guys called Mara Nomads closely,You’ll notice theres barely any young man in their expeditions. Hapa inakuanga ni wazee, Mibabaz. Yani jamaa wamejipanga. This is an activity for people who have expirienced money,that it no longer excites them,they have realized money is a resource not a destination. Hapa inataka mtu pesa imemuitikia,apana jaribu hii kitu na wewe ni mtu ya 9-5
Gari kama ile mnaona pale nyuma,hiyo ni pajero. Pajero ni gari atari sana, lakini ile ghasia nakwambia inakunywa nikama ilitengenezwa murang’a bwana. Namba ni 6km/l. Kama mnaenda mahali kama Turkana,kule kwa lonyangapuo,pesa ya mafuta tu ni 100 sausand. Jamaa mwingine niliona ameweka tyre ya offroad,ya Goodrich,tael moja pale ni 50 sausand bwana,na ni mbili ziliraruka kwa mlima.
Bwana we cannot compete with these people. Hii watu iko na pesa bwana,sisi vijana ni tujikaze pia tukifika ata 40 years tukue na uwezo ya kununua tael ya 50 sausand kama lollipop, Tusikue wababa useless bwana. Eiih!
~Sir Alès retweeted
Hapo Luthuli kuna duka ya nguo sijui inakuanga 3rd floor kwa corner wanauza nguo mzuri sana.Nilienda nikashika jeans moja hatari sana nikaonyeshwa changing room nikaingia na nyuma kama Ngiri.
Nikachomoa ile trouser yangu nkarusha chini then nikaskia baridi ingine hatari upande ya nyuma buana nkassume nkadhani ni zile shimo ziko kwa my 4 year old sambusa.
It's until nmemaliza kufit ndio naangalia nyuma naona ile stage ya kwenda Westlands Kinoo na Regen buana.Kumbe nmekuwa nikipanua isundi kwa balcony naonyesha makanga hapo Archives.Kwa ufupi nasema Luthuli kila kitu ni ukora.
~Sir Alès retweeted
My niece in P5 provides loans to her classmates at a 10% rate. So, I must visit her school next week to speak with a boy named Mukisa. His loan is long overdue 😂😂😂🤦🏽♂️
~Sir Alès retweeted
Mimi naye siwezi oa first born akiamungu. Kwanza ikue sasa ni first born from a humble backgroud,ule watoto wao wakifunga shule wote wanachukuanga virago wanakuja kulala kwako nairobi,alafu kuna sasa hawa wametoka boarding school appetite nikama ya Ruto,mtu anaangusha chapat saba supper bwana. Aye! You will see bad things. Unajaribu kujenga nyumba lakini haijengekeki,sababu ule ameoa anashighulika na mambo ya kwao bado,niyeye ata analipia watoto ingine school fees. Hiyo nikama kuendesha gari haina miguu ya nyuma bwana. First born daughters wachana nao aki ndugu yangu,unaoa mtu anakwambia muanze kufikiria vile mtavurutia wazazi wake stima kule chepalung’u. Mnaitisha quote ya kplc wanasema 3 million. Si heri niingie somalia nitoke na mdorobo moja maridadi,nilipe dowry ya 50 sausand nibaki na 2.9 million. Kama unaoa first born wewe! Ole wako!
~Sir Alès retweeted
Nikama ukihamia kwa matajiri nikama pia tabia za kitajiri zinajidownload. Kama mimi sasa nilihamia huku kwa lift,nimejipata nimetip jamaa wa boda. Nimepea yeye hamsini ya bure sahii tu. Sasa nataka ata huyu Eve maina nitafute yeye,nimpatie tip pia,askie msuri
~Sir Alès retweeted
Nowadays, there is so much going on in the dating scene. Unapatana na a beautiful Gen Z baddie with an hourglass figure, then usiku mkilala kwa bedroom, unaskia mwili mzima iko na “room temperature,” but ukipitisha mkono around the “midrib” area, temperature inashuka ni kama umeingia Limuru asubuhi. Confused, you ask openly about the anomaly, then anakuambia in very low tones, “Hapo ndio gastric bypass inapita, my Dia.”
~Sir Alès retweeted
Crusaders wa “black tax” and cutting off close friends when small money kicks in, don’t contact us when your fortunes have crumbled and the new Besties you acquired when the sun was shining abandon you. We will not be there to wipe your tears. We have also disconnected our ladders and moved on.
Senji!
~Sir Alès retweeted
Na vijana mjue the road to financial freedom haina shortcuts. Social media isiwadanganye. Sahi ukipatana na young lads ile kitu watakuambia ni "deals." Vijana wanangoja that one single opportunity that will change their lives. Yani mtu anakaa chini ya mawe akingoja deal ikuje imtafute. So doleful.
~Sir Alès retweeted
Pale NTV sasa kuna kamrembo inaitwa Nina shaban. Siet! Mtoto ametulia,haongei nanguvu, alafu accent ni ile ya kule manchester England,ile wanaongeanga namna hii unaskia tu shwa shwa shwa,nikama ameweka sosej moto kwa mdomo bwana,huyu ndiye anafanya saa tatu inanipata kwa nyumba,kuona habari. Mtoto shepu ni ile tunaita size 8,yani dress imekamata yeye hapa kwa kiuno design kanjo wanakamata hawkers moi avenue. Mungu naye kuna watu hakua anachesa akiumba aki. What a woman!
