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Say goodbye to summer and get ready for cooler days and earlier sunsets. Someone put a witch hat on Grandma, and that means it’s officially fall! Yep, it looks like it’s that time of year again. Someone came by the living room earlier today and plopped a witch hat right on Grandma’s head, so you know that Halloween is just around the corner and autumn has officially arrived. All the signs of the new season are here: The leaves are changing, there’s a crisp chill in the air, and Grandma is staring straight ahead with a passive expression that makes it impossible to tell whether or not she cares that somebody just walked right up to her and put a witch hat on her head without asking. The hat probably came from the attic! Just one look at Grandma sitting silently in the living room with a witch hat on her head and you’ll know that it’s unmistakably fall. It’s time to put away your shorts and break into those comfy autumn sweaters, because someone just drooped some fake cobwebs over Grandma’s IV to go with her hat, and it’s pretty clear she didn’t opt in on either! So get ready to start drinking cider and carving jack-o’-lanterns! Grandma’s got a witch hat on that’s just sort of sitting there like she’s some kind of living mannequin or piece of furniture, and that means that fall has officially begun! We can’t wait!

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Tom Cruise said WHAT?!

Well, this is something that could be considered a “mess.” Thirty-four-year-old realtor Janice Forte just found out that her work-husband Chris Patterson’s gym-wife, personal trainer Lucia Walton is her real husband Cliff Forte’s ex-classroom crush Faith Owens’ dog-park-girlfriend. Talk about awkward! Yesterday in the Sunny Isles Realty breakroom, where Janice and Chris have coffee together every morning and share boring stories about their kids while sort of wanting to hold hands but definitely not badly enough to actually go through with it or anything, the small amount of shit hit the slow-moving fan. Chris let it slip that his gym-wife Mia Southern, whom he had mentioned he had talked about creatine brands with on several occasions prior to becoming work-married to Janice on the day they bonded over both having seen the latest Fast and Furious movie over the weekend, had recently mentioned that she had smiled at the really cute woman she sees at the dog park every Tuesday who she “definitely would smash” if she were single, gay, or at least bi. Now here’s where things get not necessarily “messy,” but somewhat untidy, in a way: Upon doing a little bit of barely invested Facebook sleuthing, Janice was able to determine that her work-husband’s gym-wife’s gym crush’s dog-park-girlfriend was none other than Faith Owens, who Janice’s official husband, Chris, had a mild crush on when they had a chemlab together in 2012, which Faith only knows because Chris once used her as an example of a woman he considered a “7.” Yikes? While it’s doubtful that this information will ever make its way back to Chris, due to the fact he never spoke to Faith when he had a class with her much less speaks to her now, plus the fact that it’s unclear if Faith actually knows she’s is Mia’s dog-park-girlfriend or if it’s just more a dog-park-situationship to her, the stage is set for something somewhat uneventful–but still not good–to happen here. All it’s going to take to set this mildly explosive powder keg off is a bunch of sparks. The potential for this love pentagon of people who have extremely superficial romantic connections–which in some cases they are completely unaware of–to go off the rails isn’t that high, and even if it did it wouldn’t be that bad. Still, this is as messy as a work-husband’s-gym-wife’s-dog-park-girlfriend love pentagon can get.

Mike White said WHAT?!

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion. When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.” Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams. It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

If you’re one of our practicing Catholic readers, get excited, because your community is on its way to getting another saint: The Catholic Church just reclassified the time Lenny Kravitz’s penis popped out of his pants as a miracle. And would you look at that—Mr. Kravitz is now well on his way to sainthood! Back in 2015, musician Lenny Kravitz’s penis burst out of his pants while the singer squatted while performing in Sweden. At the time, the event was portrayed by the media as a wardrobe malfunction that accidentally exposed the “Fly Away” singer’s large genitalia, but now, after years of rigorous examination, the Catholic Church has announced that the penis pop was no accident, but rather a divine miracle. The report, compiled by the Dicastery for the Causes of Saints, finds several pieces of evidence that prove the event was a miracle, such as the fact that hundreds of women in the crowd had prayed to Mr. Kravitz so that he would show them his penis, as well as the fact that during the incident his penis managed to pop out of clothes, which, on every other day of his life, have successfully concealed his penis. The Pope then agreed that this event could only be explained as the work of the Lord, which has officially given Lenny Kravitz “Blessed” status. Simply amazing! Only one more miracle and Lenny Kravitz will officially be canonized as a saint! Be sure to pray to Lenny Kravitz tonight to help make Saint Kravitz a reality!

Tim Cook said WHAT?!

Double standard much?

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market. Your move, The North Face!

Jeremy Strong said WHAT?!

This is what it's all about!

A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old. Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld. During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here. Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.

Mom has always been honest and open about her past, which is why the detail she just dropped is so interesting: Mom just casually revealed she had 18 kids with another man before she married Dad. Whoa! It’s almost like she had an entirely different life before her and Dad got together. Last night, upon seeing a mother pushing triplets around in a stroller, Mom, without much fanfare at all, let it slip that she’d had triplets not once, but twice prior to starting her relationship with Dad. That led to her saying, “Yeah, I had…” stopping to do the math in her head, and then finishing, “Eighteen kids with the guy I was with before I met your father.” Surprised that we were treating it like it was a big deal, Mom continued, “Oh, I thought I told you about that,” then, in response to being asked, “Where are your 18 kids now?” she just shrugged and said, “Who knows. I haven’t thought about them in a while.” After briefly changing the subject to how she was excited for Christmas this year, the 18 previously unknown children were brought up again, at which point she nonchalantly disclosed that she had been the subject of a reality show called, “Eighteen’s Enough,” which ran for six seasons on the E! network and that two of the kids were named, “Jason” because she ran out of names she liked. Dang! It’s easy to just see your parents as being just your parents their entire lives, so it’s hard to imagine that at one time they were the parent of 18 other kids you’ve never met. This really makes Mom seem like a whole new person!

Better get out the heart glue, because this is going to break your heart: There’s not a single outfit this man can pull off. Oof. Some men are just trying too hard to pull off a look that doesn’t work for them, but this one…this one can’t pull off any of them. Forty-two-year-old Subaru salesman Lyonel Brinks has tried the concert t-shirt and ripped jeans look. He’s tried the buttoned-up casual polo shirt and khakis look. He’s tried a leather jacket. He’s tried a sports jersey and sweatpants. But every single last outfit, whether it’s something simple and timeless or something bold and cutting edge, leaves him looking like a child wearing an unidentifiable Halloween costume. Tailored, oversized, vintage-inspired, hat, no-hat, no matter what, Lionel looks like he’s trying too hard, uncomfortable, and somehow “kidding” with what he wears, as if it’s meant to me a joke. Even when he’s just wearing a pair of jeans from J.Crew and a white oxford shirt. Dressed up, he looks like a schlubby guy who’s overdressed for dinner at Olive Garden. Dressed down, he looks like he just rolled out of bed to take a leak at 3 a.m. Clothes that fit him perfectly only serve to accentuate his odd proportions and weird neck angle, and clothes that fit him relaxed immediately make him look 70 pounds heavier. Honestly, the look he came closest to pulling off was when he dressed up in a steampunk outfit to go to a local gaming convention, and that was only because no guys can really pull off a steampunk look so he just didn’t look any worse than the guys who can sort of pull it off. There’s simply nothing Lionel can wear that doesn’t make everyone who looks at him feel sort of sorry for him. To make matters worse, Lionel just booked his first tattoo appointment, and no matter what he gets, and no matter where it goes, you know that this is only going to serve to make him look even less like he’s pulling off whatever he’s wearing. All hearts break for Lionel. This is so, so sad.

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Nicolás Maduro said WHAT?!

For decades, the Blue Man Group has delighted audiences around the globe with its offbeat artistry and electric live show, but today it went above and beyond for fans like never before: The performance-art group has announced that it will pay your bail if you get arrested for masturbating to Blue Man Group ads on the train. These guys are standing by their fans, and we are here. For. It. If you’ve ever spent a night in a cold cell because a cop caught you pleasuring yourself to a subway ad for the Blue Man Group, you can breathe a sigh of relief that those days are finally over. From now on, when you get taken downtown for succumbing to the carnal urges sparked by a glossy photo of blue men drumming on barrels of colorful neon liquid, the Blue Man Group will pony up the money for you to get out and sleep in your own bed. “We have ads on trains, and we know our fans will touch their genitals because of that,” said the Blue Man Group in an official written statement posted to Blueman.com. “From our smooth, blue heads to our damp drums, it’s a simple fact of life that many train riders won’t be able to contain their lust upon seeing publicity materials for our show. We won’t let our fans be punished for something as natural as masturbating to us, so from here on out, we’re covering your bail. Whatever the amount, in whatever state, we will pay it in full. Being aroused by us is not a crime.” You tell ’em, Blue Man Group! Getting arrested for vigorously self-stimulating to a poster of painted bald men using PVC pipes like trombones can turn a normal train ride into a major inconvenience, but thankfully these iconic entertainers are using their earnings to make sure their fans get home safe. “Everybody does it,” said founding Blue Man Group member Chris Wink in a Facebook post on the subject. “When we perform in the theater, we turn down the lights and drum really loud specifically so people can masturbate. The front few rows even get ponchos. No way should anyone be jailed for finding us sexually irresistible just because they happen to be on a train. Hell, paying everyone’s bail costs us, what, $5 out of every ticket? That’s a small price to pay so our fans can just live their lives without getting hassled by the police.” Pretty cool! Kudos to these legends for spreading the wealth around and remembering the fans who helped get them where they are.

Oprah Winfrey said WHAT?!