Writer. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground. https://xitter.cf/t.co/zWmEYTiCTJ
Michigan
Joined July 2011
- Tweets9.7K
- Following406
- Followers18K
- Likes2.4K
There are people who spend hours carving pumpkins and I just ate a banana because I didn't want to cut up an apple.
I don't want the Disney princess life that involves Prince Charming and wearing fancy dresses.
I want the Disney princess life that involves sleeping for days and having small woodland creatures help clean my house.
When I was a kid, we didn't have parking lot "Trunk or Treats". We put our costumes on over snow suits and walked a 3-mile radius in rain, snow and wind to earn pillowcases full of chocolate and Pixy Stix we would mainline like heroin addicts.
Other people: I’m so sad it’s getting dark so early!
Me, on the couch in my pajamas at 6 p.m. with snacks already hibernating: Oh, yeah. Totally agree.
If someone checking out refuses to get off their phone when a cashier is talking to them, a trapdoor should open up and drop them into a room where they're forced to listen to the Liberty Mutual "biberty" commercial for 24 straight hours.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Me as a kid: I’ll have my own money and do exciting things!
Me as an adult: I have a favorite spoon, a specific pajama rotation, and won’t buy a $25 shower curtain liner without reading 200 online reviews confirming it doesn’t “feel cheap.”
As a kid I thought success meant a big house or fancy job title. As an adult I realize it’s actually a day when nothing breaks in my house, I don't need Ibuprofen, and my favorite toilet paper goes on sale.
Me: Please deliver my package to the back door on the steps.
FedEx: Yeah, so the best we can do is aggressively fling it into a puddle that may or may not be within a 2-mile radius of your house either on the delivery date or a week later.
I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to get out of bed today, which as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.
Abby Heugel retweeted
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so fucking dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Abby Heugel retweeted
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.
I’m one more notification, unwelcome AI “summary,” and captcha away from throwing my computer out the window, moving to a yurt, and starting a quiet life selling heirloom papayas by the side of the road.
Other than oppressive heat and humidity, historic inflation, international warfare, hazardous air quality from wildfire smoke, and the risk of explosive gastrointestinal distress from fresh produce, this summer hasn’t been all that bad.
I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when someone turns the middle of a grocery aisle into a family reunion says otherwise.
Put new shelf liner in my kitchen drawers and now I keep wandering in to open and close them so I can admire them like a visitor walking through the Louvre.
It's so hot the chipmunks are using my bird bath as a hot tub and requesting mimosas and the brunch menu.
Me: Please let me talk to a person.
AI chatbot: You want to book a flight to Persia. Is that correct?
Me: No. A P-E-R-S-O-N.
AI chatbot: Your flight confirmation number is CW175F.
Me (throws my phone out the window)
