Aviv Sharon

Every time I hear someone say that ‘building relationships is how we get children to behave’ I’m amazed how often they then don’t define what A) they mean by a relationship B) how to actually build this mysterious thing. This leads to multiple errors, eg trying to get kids to ‘like’ you and so on. Part of the problem is that a lot of research into this appears to be dependent on correlation, not causation. Typically you see great behaviour and good relationships together, so people assume the latter causes the former. But a good relationship is the outcome of good behaviour management, not the other way around. It’s a product, not a cause. Why? Because a ‘relationship’ is simply a description of two things- How two or more people typically 1. Behave and 2. Value one another. So if you want to ‘build a relationship’ you teach students how to act with one another, with you, with school peers, and so one. Simultaneously you teach them that they matter to you, and that their safety and success matters. These things are far more important than ‘do you know what football team they support?’ You’re not their mate. The relationship you want- and they need- is adult to child, student to teacher. Demonstrated high regard AND standards. Oh, one more major thing: boundaries. Students need to know there are limits of acceptable conduct, with penalties for crossing them. Any discussion about behaviour, or school behaviour system, that doesn’t have these, will eventually be pointless. No community survives without them, so why should classrooms and schools be different?