I’m at the age now where I can do a daytime activity or a nighttime activity but I can’t, under any circumstance, do both.

A haunted house but it’s just your husband starting a home project 45 minutes before guests arrive

A haunted house but it’s just your husband feeling like “he’s coming down with something”

A haunted house but it’s just your husband going on a golf trip while you stay home with a sick baby

A haunted house but it’s just your kid coming into your room at 2:45am to tell you they threw up

A haunted house but it’s just a notice that hand foot and mouth has been detected in your kids classroom

A haunted house but it’s just a missed call from Daycare

A haunted house but it’s just handling raw chicken when you’re in the 1st trimester podcasts.apple.com/us/podcas…

A haunted house but it’s just the hand IV when you’re in Labor & Delivery podcasts.apple.com/us/podcas…

I am a Victoria Secret Fashion Show Hater. In this essay I will… bottleservicepod.substack.co…

I still get down but I’d like to be back up and in bed by 9

Pay for a haunted house? Honey I live with all boys

I hate when I run into someone during my designated ugly time. That time is sacred, look away

For the moms doing THE most this month and trying to keep their sanity, this episode is for you! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcas…

Bad day? Have you tried getting a Diet Coke about it?

If a girl offers you her chicken chili recipe that is a big sign of respect in her culture

“Don’t worry I got it” - a Virgo who saw how you were doing it and intervened immediately

Everything works out for Virgos because we control every variable until we get our desired outcome :)

“Are you sure?” Babe, I’m a Virgo. I’ve already conducted a thorough investigation & cross checked resources but I’m also extremely self critical and full of self doubt so I guess, no?

Friends who give you new music are so important. You better hold those people close

I put the ass in disassociating 💅🏼