Rob Kamara Jr.

Being single is absolutely shit. Why would anyone prefer this life? No sexual obligation to anybody. Sex when you actually want it rather than because somebody else has decided tonight would be nice. Steak three nights running without anybody asking where the vegetables are. Leftovers still sitting in the fridge when you go back for them. Nobody asking what’s for dinner as though you’ve somehow been appointed Head of Catering. Three hours in the Mall without somebody following you around looking like they’re being held against their will. Nobody asking if you’re nearly finished when you’ve clearly only just started. Complete control of the thermostat. Cold? Heating on. Hot? Heating off. A remarkably efficient system. The cat is the only one leaving his crap around the house, and at least he has the excuse of being an animal. Your own money spent without having to explain, justify or ask permission. Bought something you didn’t need but just really wanted. A bathroom that smells normal. If something goes missing, you moved it yourself. No investigation required. Nobody commenting on your body, makeup, hair or clothes. Going out without getting texts every five minutes asking where you are and when you’ll be home. No work events where you have to stand around pretending to be interested in somebody’s colleagues while desperately trying to remember which one you’ve been told is an arsehole. Bed at 8pm if you fancy it. Bed at 2am if you fancy it. Who cares? Nobody requiring congratulations because they loaded the dishwasher. Imagine completing a basic household task without expecting some form of award. Holidays that are actually fun holidays instead of the same arguments in another country. Nobody comparing your cooking skills to someone else. No football. No rugby. No entire weekend being organised around the match. Being ugly at home in complete peace. Nobody eating the one thing in the fridge you’d been looking forward to all day. No splitting the food bill 50/50 with somebody who eats twice as much as you. Nobody standing at the door asking, Are you nearly ready? while possessing functioning eyes and looking directly at someone who clearly isn’t fucking ready. Nobody saying nothing is wrong and then behaving for the next four hours as though you’ve murdered their entire family. Sleeping peacefully with no one snoring and the whole bed to yourself. No empty promises to keep track of. Nobody picking a fight just before something important. No resentment about doing everything yourself because you’re actually doing it for yourself. No splitting the rent equally with somebody earning twice what you earn and pretending that somehow qualifies as equal. Nobody eating, drinking or using the thing you specifically told them not to touch. Furniture can be rearranged whenever you feel like it. The remote stays where you left it. The sheets remain their original colour and smell nice. Nobody ignoring you while simultaneously occupying half your house. And if the place is messy, at least you know which idiot made the mess. What’s the worst part I’ve missed?