I came first in the Clacton by-election! Of the candidates who bothered to turn up for the results. Here is my victory speech!

First hand-dyers. Then speakerphones. AND auto-renew subscriptions. Will Adele be next? Read all about my most victorious week on Earth since Clacton! It's up now at BetterThanX.co.uk

VICTORY! (It’s the hand-dryer, not the urinal, but a win’s a win.)

I called it. The Katie Zacharia supernova has exploded. With energy and excitement. All over Donald Trump. Get the intergalactic take on an international katiestrophe that makes Liz Truss look like a stayer. Here at BetterThanX.co.uk

Democracy isn’t finished yet.

A star is born! Here’s my interstellar take on the comedy news moment the planet needed. BetterThanX.co.uk

[WITH ENERGY AND EXCITEMENT]

How to deceive a human being. Featuring Elizabeth Holmes, Richard E. Grant, the unblinking CEO of Manchester City, the Labour party conference and Oxford Street. Read all about it in my brand new newsletter, at BetterThanX.co.uk

Party Conference Season is here! But don’t despair. So is my intergalactic take on the week’s news. Get it here, at the website that’s better than X, BetterThanX.co.uk!

Did she just recite a bit of Homer?

Spotted at the Lib Dem party conference.

quis custodiet ipsos cunnos?

I don't need £5 million gifts. But if you enjoy what I do, you can bung me a trio of affordable croissants (£3) or a Ferrari at ko-fi.com/countbinface. I'll do a separate crowdfunder for political campaigns, but l've reopened this just for little old me. Much luv, CB x

I have an announcement.

Riddle me this. If somebody donates £36 million to a political party and £5 million to its leader, how is the £5 million not political? Asking for a parliamentary standards commissioner.

You might have to turn up for the results of this one, Nige.

At what point does a British by-election get awarded to the silver medalist, à la Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis? Asking for a friend of a friend, i.e. me. #Clacton

An alien's take on the Bayeux Tapestry.