I lost 20% of my couch. Just...Ouch...

Quote of the Day: "Never, never, never give up."

Before you turn in for the night, what was the best part of your day? I'd love to hear it. #BestThingOfTheDay

My keyboard is missing some keys, but I can't put my finger on which ones.

My teacher said I'm pretty good at addition, but I'm terrible at subtraction. I don't get the difference.

When the vet says you need the cone but your dignity demands at least a little Renaissance flair.

cup. The first clue refers to a cup as a drinking container. The second clue refers to a cup awarded as a prize. xitter.cf/DocAtCDI/status/211343…

Hell yes, you kept going: You showed up exhausted and still tried, you ignored the inner critic long enough to act, you're building something especially when you can't see it at all. You should be walking tall.

If you aren't someone the church would have persecuted 400 years ago, are you even living?

Quick one: I have 62K followers and a $2/month subscription. Subscribers get more jokes and I actually crawl their feeds. Hit subscribe, most people don't know it exists.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I am a vessel for drinking, but I have no lid. I am often given as a trophy. Answer drops in 2 hours!

My pet chameleon can't change its color. It has a reptile dysfunction.

Animal welfare said I can't keep my pet dolphin in the bath. Apparently, it's not fit for porpoise.

The United Nations of Canine Diplomacy has convened and everyone is introducing themselves the polite way.

You made it home! Shoes off, snacks on—tell us, did your day deserve a gold star or a sitcom recap? #WelcomeHome