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Florida roads have a new sub-apex predator, and it's not the gator. It's the two-wheeled turbo tweaker on a stolen e-bike, doing forty on a sidewalk with a Busch Light in one hand and a glass pipe in the other, teeth flapping in the wind like tiny white flags defying gravity. 🦷 You used to hear the old-school meth bicycle coming. That sad, creaky, one-speed death trap with the bent rim and the missing pedal. You had thirty feet of warning. Now? Silent... Subsonic... A blur of sweatpants and regret that materializes out of a Publix parking lot like it was beamed in from a parallel dimension where physics is just a suggestion and the DMV gave up years ago. And the trail... Oh, the trail... Not exhaust, not smoke. Just a faint shimmer in the air behind them, like heat rising off asphalt, except it's not heat. It's the collective dreams of everyone who ever trusted them with anything. They don't signal. They don't look. They don't even appear to be in the same reality as the rest of us. One guy nearly took out a whole family of tourists near a theme park last week. The dad said it looked like Hunter Biden pedal tweaking towards a paint supply store. These guys have the impulse control of a toddler who found the candy drawer. They treat crosswalks like decorative suggestions and pedestrians like NPCs in a video game they downloaded off a sketchy website. There should be a law. No person under the influence of anything stronger than sunscreen should be allowed to operate a vehicle that exceeds five miles per hour. Make it a felony. Make it a state holiday. Call it Turbo Tweaker Awareness Day and give everybody a free t-shirt that says "I survived the sidewalk." 👕 Because at this point, the only thing standing between Florida and total anarchy is a guy in a lifted truck who happens to be paying attention. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not a safety plan. That's a prayer. 🙏🤦🏻

That crab isn't waving.... He's pointing northeast with the big claw and telling that tourist the same thing the rest of us have been saying since the first plane landed in mid-October! "Get the hell out. Take your sandwich, your slides, and that orange shirt and go back where you came from. Right now." 👉 Guy's sitting there waving like he just made a friend. Crab's over there doing the claw equivalent of exit only, that way, immediately. No smile. No greeting. Just clear directions back to the rental car and the airport... Florida crabs don't do meet-and-greets with people who treat the beach like a picnic table. They just point. 🦀➡️