Dylan Vattelana

When the clock hits 420 in the morning, it is definitely not as cool as 420 in the afternoon. And also you're in your 30s, in an airport, and dragging

If Superman was autistic... "Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive. Specifically the LNER Class A4 4468 Mallard, which holds the official world speed record for a steam locomotive at 126 mph and had a max horsepower of 2,450"

My New Year's resolution is to have more self-confidence and not rely on other people's validation. What do you guys think of that? Do you think it's a good idea??

Me not being the strongest reader: "It says the movie times are 730 and 10 pm... But at 2 pm THEY'RE HAVING A MANATEE VIEWING! Let's do that, they're like my top 3 favorite animal!"

If I was a grandmaster chess player I would go around destroying people like, "and I'll take that piece with this little horsey one. Oh he's cute"

"You're so uncultured. Are you even familiar with Dostoevsky? Can you quote Tolstoy?" Me: Obviously I can quote them. I've actually seen all four Toy Story movies in theaters. So I bet you feel really dumb right now

Nikola Jokić had a 30-20-20 tonight, it has never been done before in the history of the NBA (excluding MyPlayer in NBA2K, cuz I've had 11 of those (on rookie mode)) #joker #jokic #nba #denvernuggets #nba2k #espn

Don't just throw any old shirt on for Election Day; red or blue can send a message. Today everyone is either a blood or a crip

Philly legend, BDN!

I wish there was a way to remember that there is an "M" in the word mnemonic

Life is pretty simple. I think the only things I need that would make me happier right now is to spend more time with my friends and family and about $75,000

How do you get dirt on your shoulders? It's been over 20 years, can we all agree Jay-Z was actually brushing dandruff off his shoulders?

I'm a lifelong baseball fan and a student of the game. I have never seen anything like this guy 🤯

I just tried to mobile deposit cash, it didn't work. I took a picture and everything. Why won't you take my $7.84 @WellsFargo ??

If @notthefakeSVP was a Simpsons character

Subscribe to my Patreon to see my "Ten Life hacks" to save money when you lose your job

My boarding pass: Main Cabin 1 "Sweet I'll be on the plane early" Intercom: "We'd like to first board people needing assistance... Active military... First class... Diamond passengers... Comfort+ passengers... Sky priority... Main Cabin 2... Main Cabin 3... This plane is closed"

Apparently nobody paid the extra $4.99 on this Spirit Airlines flight so they didn't do the safety demonstration and collected the safety information cards

How the hell do you dance in the new old fashioned way? #ChristmasSongs

I just realized I may be difficult to deal with after a company's automated customer service robot responds to my message with, "Sir, if you will give me a minute..." They are programmed to be emotionless but I'm definitely being vented about around the office