“I cannot stress enough” - my brain

The plan? Lose the first 3 games of the season to bring ticket resale prices down.

Saved By The Bell lowkey ruined the name Screech. You see barely anyone under 40 with that name.

Mom: “Why do you refuse to sleep in your childhood bed?” Me: “It’s a boy cot.”

Vegetarian sandwich shop: Never Meat Your Heros

Let’s go to the tape

Pokemonsieur

If your parent is a lawyer and you become a lawyer, you’re a depo baby.

“The city so nice they named it twice. Follow me as we explore scenic Twice, Nebraska.”

Vincent visits Art of Play:

I’m gonna buy this for Kelly Clarkson

Why are people blaming Shane Gillis and not the cue card guy who wrote the word?

Some lady pretending to be Kelly Clarkson walked into the store yesterday. She sang Golden in the original key & the high note broke some of our glass display cases so I asked her to leave. Just another day at work!

People from Queens are called Queenseañeras.

This is why we Jews famously have no digestive problems.

BREAKING: In response to the public’s complaints on moral grounds, the Pentagon announced that it will add a 10-second delay to the livestream in case the guy says a curse word during his execution.

They used to tape delay World Series games and now they’re livestreaming executions.

Fall of Saigon Fall of LeBron