Comedian & mammal Looming gigs: Detroit, Nov 4; Cleveland, Nov 5; Youngstown Nov 6, 7 2026 thru 2079 tour schedule: https://xitter.cf/t.co/JqfdtOLa4i

Detroit, MI
Joined June 2009
I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.
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those are not my best hours
how attractive are you from 1-10
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thanks for ruining curious george for me
Los científicos llevan más de 80 años comunicándose con los chimpancés mediante lenguaje de signos. Los chimpancés no han hecho ni una sola pregunta de momento.
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Emo Philips retweeted
the vampire bat has a scary name but does much good, eating up to twice its weight in vampires every year
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this will hurt the economy
The dying Sun may tear the outer solar system apart far sooner than anyone expected. New research in The Astrophysical Journal Letters suggests that once the Sun sheds its outer layers and collapses into a white dwarf, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune could be thrown into chaos in roughly a billion years—not the nearly eternal stretch of a quintillion years previously imagined. Earth will almost certainly be long gone by then, but the gas giants may not survive either. Traditional models assumed the outer planets would quietly endure for eons until a random passing star finally disturbed them. Researchers Konstantin Batygin and Jim Fuller of Caltech, along with Fred Adams of the University of Michigan, found a more violent possibility: if the Sun loses mass in discrete bursts rather than a smooth wind, the planetary orbits can be destabilized relatively quickly. “Everything changes when the envelope departs in pieces,” the authors wrote. In simulations of 672 burst-driven scenarios, up to 96% of the systems became unstable within 3 billion years after the Sun became a white dwarf. About 40% suffered disruption or violent scattering even earlier, before mass loss was finished. Some planets were ejected entirely; in others, Uranus and Neptune swapped places. Gentler bursts sometimes locked planets into stable resonances that held for billions of years, but the overall picture is clear: the Sun’s death may not be a slow fade. It could be a comparatively rapid, chaotic upheaval that ends the orderly architecture of the outer solar system far sooner than once thought.
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The great @EmoPhilips is at Acme this Wednesday through Saturday 🔥 Take your chance to see this comedy legend live in Minneapolis!
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Emo Philips retweeted
Looking for something fun to do this weekend In the Twin Cities? Well, I am opening for @EmoPhilips tonight, tomorrow night, and Saturday night at Acme Comedy Club. Emo is only the greatest, so stop by if you’re in town! tinyurl.com/4tsraxdf
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The Great @EmoPhilips takes the Acme stage this week 🚨 Get tickets: acmecomedy.seatengine.com/ev…
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Emo Philips retweeted
Replying to @EmoPhilips
Great show tonight Emo! It was worth the three hour drive! Thanks mostly for your speaking with my daughter. That meant the world to her.
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Just saw Emo Philips, amazing night!
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Ingest the particulars: emophilips.com/events
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Emo Philips retweeted
now is the autumnal equinox of our discontent
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Am I about to plan a trip to Peoria?
If you live in Bozeman, Osage Beach, St Louis, Peoria, Champaign, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, Eau Claire, Detroit, Cleveland, Youngstown, Massillon, Providence, Portsmouth, Boston, Uncasville, Baker City, Boise, Savannah, Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Toccoa, Chattanooga, Memphis, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Rapid City, San Jose, Naples, Winter Haven, Tampa, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Cedar Rapids, Rochester, Toronto, Oshawa, London (the one in Ontario), Niagara Falls (the one in Ontario), Burlington (the one in Ontario), Houston, San Antonio, Fort Worth, Dallas, Albuquerque, Jaffrey, Baltimore, Arlington, and/or Philadelphia, I beseech you to please kindly gently click emophilips.com/events
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My man @EmoPhilips is coming to Toronto (and other fine cities!). He'll be here on Wednesday, March 31, 2027, at Yuk Yuk'!
If you live in Bozeman, Osage Beach, St Louis, Peoria, Champaign, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, Eau Claire, Detroit, Cleveland, Youngstown, Massillon, Providence, Portsmouth, Boston, Uncasville, Baker City, Boise, Savannah, Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Toccoa, Chattanooga, Memphis, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Rapid City, San Jose, Naples, Winter Haven, Tampa, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Cedar Rapids, Rochester, Toronto, Oshawa, London (the one in Ontario), Niagara Falls (the one in Ontario), Burlington (the one in Ontario), Houston, San Antonio, Fort Worth, Dallas, Albuquerque, Jaffrey, Baltimore, Arlington, and/or Philadelphia, I beseech you to please kindly gently click emophilips.com/events
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If you live in Bozeman, Osage Beach, St Louis, Peoria, Champaign, Indianapolis, Minneapolis, Eau Claire, Detroit, Cleveland, Youngstown, Massillon, Providence, Portsmouth, Boston, Uncasville, Baker City, Boise, Savannah, Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Toccoa, Chattanooga, Memphis, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Rapid City, San Jose, Naples, Winter Haven, Tampa, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Cedar Rapids, Rochester, Toronto, Oshawa, London (the one in Ontario), Niagara Falls (the one in Ontario), Burlington (the one in Ontario), Houston, San Antonio, Fort Worth, Dallas, Albuquerque, Jaffrey, Baltimore, Arlington, and/or Philadelphia, I beseech you to please kindly gently click emophilips.com/events
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Little did I dream, when out-Joker-costumed, by a hair, on the Arsenio show, that, just 3.5 decades later, I’d have the chance to redeem myself by actually playing the Joker onstage; yet, on Sunday, Sept 13 in L.A., such will indeed be the case; delve: emophilips.com/events
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life’s hard enough without your shadow mocking you
We grow older with time, but the child within us never truly grows up
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