Do you have any pictures of John… in the bath tub? Ah yes he’s a good looking boy

There’s a case about self defense most people learn in law school where a guy living in a garage upper loft pulls out a bow and arrow he keeps in the rafters and shoots another guy who was trying to get him out of the loft by lighting the garage on fire

I was trying to kill a wasp by holding a sledgehammer and spinning around as fast as I could and the damn thing flew out of my hands and obliterated about 40 of my chinchillas. Luckily I have plenty more but they’re trying to evict me

I got the ick when I punched my girlfriend and she died instantly

I feel you brother

I can't have sex with your personality And I can't put my penis in your college degree And I can't shove my fist in your childhood dreams So why you sharing all this information with me?

Is it any cheaper if I don’t need the clothes? Because believe me, I don’t need the clothes

Damn girl you are so hot do you want to have sex? Oh God no, not with me, I just want to watch you have it in general

Cigarettes After Sex fucking suck. They should be called Roofies Before Sex or Crying During Sex

Thank you, I’ve been saying this for years

I like to walk through the target makeup aisle while gesturing at a can of large white monster and asking if anyone wants a white monster. Then I follow it up with “what about a tiny quarter Asian monster that struggles to get hard” while gesturing at my crotch

If you kill yourself, your dozens of victims win

Looking for a girlfriend for these upcoming winter months. Primarily we will watch tv shows together. I will hate all of them, call most of the characters slurs, and bitch in detail about why the writing is terrible. I will continue to watch all of them and change nothing

Apparently I’m not welcome at the abusive relationship support group because it’s supposed to be for victims rather than perpetrators. Well you didn’t specify that!!! I can see why you got abused

I swear that half the music played in this McDonald’s is ai generated and also funded by a church

Allegedly Leonardo da Vinci’s last words were “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.” The two of us are exactly alike in that regard

“The worst part about sluts is the hypocrisy”

reminds me of my favorite story on here where it was a crime scene cleaner talking about the worst thing he’d ever seen and it was a dude in an argument with his wife. He left the room, got his gun, came back, calmly said “fuck you” and then shot himself in the head. Legend