General Cornwallis

Dearest Mother, As I said before, Pres. P fears for the sanctity of the program every time Sgt. Snabes touches the battlefield. Upon entry today, Snabes hurt the feelings of an enemy combatant. President P, momentarily upset, is now overjoyed upon victory. PS Bby Ray a dawg

Dearest Mother, He strikes fear into the hearts of every Mtn Dew in existence. Walmart knows him as Rocky Balboa. His greatest accomplishment is maintaining his sanity while Sgt. Wilson and Snabes are under his tutelage. Most important however, he is respected. 🍻 to 100 more

Dearest Mother, I write today about Lt. Shelly. It was once believed he was destined for an office job, nobody tracks supplies like Shelly. But great men are often called to something greater, something grander. In this moment we rejoice along with our enemies. 🫡 - G.C.

President P, A man I once held to the highest esteem, Drill Instructor Winters, decided the grass was greener in Midland. They promised him gold, but battles aren’t won with gold, they are won with iron. He may die a rich man, but we will die victorious. Honorably, G.C.

President P, I write today about Private Wilson. In the most unlikely of circumstances he found himself leading a charge to finish off the enemy. To everyone’s surprise he successfully kept his undergarments on the entire time and we were victorious.

Battle Report: Some men win battles through power of the mind. Capt. Mead has never been that type of man. A man of few words and fewer wise ones, Meads leads with brute force. He leaves the thinking to others, and everyone is grateful for that. Sincerely, Gen. Cornwallis

President P, Bandits are typically an annoyance. Yet a Bandit from Grand Rapids has recently joined our ranks and has taught us much. Not only does bring a new brand of bombers, he has provided a new generation of anti bomber technology. The women will survey love Lt. Bess GC

Dear Elder Statesman Welch, A report for when your future son comes of age: Cpt. Larkin was valiant in the face of great evil. Despite an early flesh wound he carried Private Mead a great distance upon his back. I pray your son may have such courage. - G.C.

Dearest Mother, With my brother reaching his elder years, he has left me, the most unlikely of candidates in charge. I have come a long way from leading hopeless charges in my youth, though I fear the PT that awaits in the coming weeks. With love, General Cornwallis (Beans)

Dearest Mother, The Big Beautiful Cardinal is our home. Only a fool would think we would give it up quickly. Double agents once again gave the men of the woodlands trouble, and the men of Ohio were not prepared. The legend of President P’s 2nd Bombing Brigade only grows. - GC

Dearest Mother, Following the attacks on Pearl Harbor, Admiral Yamamoto wrote he feared he had awoken a sleeping giant. As if the men of Saginaw needed further motivation, yesterday's medal ceremony lit a fire amongst the men. Also, Captain Ja and Private JD have huge nuts. GC

Dear President P, Tomorrow the work will continue. Tomorrow we begin a new campaign to higher endeavors. Tomorrow we train so that all may know the name of Big Beautiful Cardinal. But today, we are simply champs, and that’s pretty damn cool. With Honor, General Cornwallis

Dear President P, After a valiant effort, the men have conquered the enemy along our western border. Fort Dow Diamond is officially ours for the remainder of the campaign. With Respect, General Cornwallis

Battle Report, Early in the conflict we intercepted communications that our foes believed that Captain Corns weaponry malfunctioned. We gladly allowed them to believe the false information and proceeded to lay waste to the men from the west. All is proceeding as planned. - GC

President P, Many things can hold up an army, weather, supplies, or sickness. On this day however, it was none of these. Captain Watkins upon his return to his unit lost his most prized possession and delayed our return home until it was found within his own equipment. - G.C

Dear President P, Fort Detroit has been known to be a thorn in the side of the men from the Big Beautiful Cardinal, but today, after days of heavy fighting, we are victorious. Now and forever more, all must go through fort Saginaw. With Honor, General Cornwallis

President P, One further note. Following Captain Jéfe’s nuclear deployment, drill Sargent Penjamin momentarily lost his mind. As of this moment it is uncertain the extent that he was compromised, though medical attention may be necessary. With Honor, General Cornwallis

President P, A preliminary assault upon fort Detroit was a brilliant success. While there are too many men of valor so speak of, one man separated himself from the rest. In the heat of battle, Captain Richardson completed the impossible, a “perfect sit”. - G.C

Dear @svsuathletics Zero doubt was left on the Kenosha front. It has come to my attention you may possess the proper funds to bring “Dilly Bars” to the front lines to boost morale. I’ve heard tales of this magical substance yet have never laid eyes upon it. - G.C.