I was sacked from the garden centre today. My boss brought a customer over and said, "He wants decking."

It’s the Lidl things…

My friend got on a flight to Helsinki and I haven't seen him since. He just vanished into Finnair.

I suffer from insomnia. However there is a positive side, only six more sleeps until Christmas.

If only they had collars @CThomas663

I just read a book called 'Swimming the English Channel' by Francis Near.

Last week I filled up my car for £120 and accidentally drove off without paying. Today in court I was fined £75. Stay tuned for more money saving tips.

The doctor said, "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." I responded, "It was about 45 minutes, but at least the chair was comfortable and you are a busy man."

I’ve been told seven in Devon.

Facebook: “Let us improve this picture for you” Me: “Sure” Me: 🤦‍♂️

Looking good for 14999 years old… #5News

Fifteen years ago on a work trip. Not in deNile actually at a party on the Nile.

I was rushed to A&E with a kitchen utensil stuck on my head six hours ago. I’m still in inten-sieve care.

My son told me that he and his wife were discussing baby names. He said his wife, “wanted something original” I said, "What about Werthers?"

River Cartwright and Jackson Lamb waiting to see ABBA Voyage in the new series. #slowhorses #ABBA

And if Lidl do them, “Lidl fellas”.

I bought some Jelly Babies in Aldi. I'm a bit disappointed they're not called Aldi young Dudes.

It's true what they say about pollution in the oceans. I bought a tin of sardines this morning and when I opened it, it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

Facebook: “Let us improve this picture for you” Me: “Sure” Me: 🤦‍♂️