Gini Howell

Cancer ghosting, let’s talk about it 👻 I took these two pictures after my first hospital admission then scrolled through my feed and cried. At 29, I found myself using a bedpan while I watched friends skiing down mountainsides. It was the first time I’d recognize how detached my life had become from my peers. I felt jealous, bitter and threw myself a pity party over chicken broth and graham crackers while the extreme guilt set in over the fact I even had any of these emotions. When you’re first diagnosed with cancer, your friends, family and even distant acquaintances often rally around you. The messages, phone calls and well wishes pour in, making you feel insanely supported. But over time the support often dwindles. People go back to their lives, full of events and activities you may no longer be able to participate in. And all the “if you need anything” messages start to feel empty as you look on from afar. There are often people you thought would be there every step of the way- who you never or rarely hear from. It can feel crushing and make you question if they ever really cared. Here’s why I don’t fault the people in my life I experienced this with and a few insights I’ve taken away. I thought I’d share in case it’s helpful to others. I started to feel less hurt by these experiences when I realized we all have busy lives and most people are doing their best to make it through their own day. We live in a world these days where many of us turn to social media to keep tabs on each other. Many of my friends and family saw updates online or were updated through the grapevine. They felt up-to-date on me, even though we never had contact. Others later told me, “Phewf, I’m glad you’re doing okay now. I had to stop reading your posts because it was too hard for me. I kept picturing everything that happened to you, happening to myself or my kids. I emotionally wasn’t strong enough for it. I prayed for you every night but couldn’t read your posts.” Others were at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say. Look, cancer is hard- really hard. Not just for those of us going through it but for many of those we care about too. I personally believe it’s not about people not caring, I think it’s often people not knowing how to show up or what to say. I think social media often amplifies the emotions and isolation. When you see others carrying on with their lives while you’re simply trying to survive, it can at times feel like they don’t care. But what social media doesn’t show are the prayers they send up each night praying for your healing and comfort, the little reminders throughout their day that make them think of you or their compulsive checking of your page at 1am for updates looking reassurance you’re okay. Social media has created ways for us to feel more connected than we ever have before but it can also create a valley of isolation through the hardest days. So this is my reminder to anyone who may have loved ones they care about going through a difficult time. Don’t forget to drop the comment, send the message or pick up the phone. If you don’t know what to say, simply let them know you’re thinking about them. Cancer ghosting I personally believe is often unintentional but a very real experience many face. I’d love for us to create a thread of practical ways to show up for others. So let’s hear your experience below. What are little ways people showed up for you during a difficult time that mean the most?