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Zilla

@GoodZiIIa
Joined June 2016
  • Tweets294
  • Following29
  • Followers8.4K
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[date] me: *don't let her know how awkward you are* her: nice weather me: thanks
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(CPR class) Me: *doing mouth to mouth* how was that? Instructor: please get off me
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[Church] Priest: Today we celebrate the birth of our lord & savior Me: *Stands up* P: The man who we all know & love M: *Starts walking towards front* P: Jesus Christ M: *plays it cool and walks out the back door*
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Saw a shooting star and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
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me: stop calling me names! bully: shut up names
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Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many
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[politics 2007] me: i like both presidential candidates everyone: that's okay [politics 2017] me: i own a certain coffee machine everyone: fuck you
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it STEPHEN KING: its about children E: ok SK: in corn E: thats nice SK:who murder E: dammit Stephen
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WIFE: I want a divorce ME: why WIFE: you only base decisions on your magic 8ball ME: should we get a divorce [shakes 8ball] ok divorce it is
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BOSS: you're fired ME: whoa did you say "falcon fight club"? BOSS: no ME: oh BOSS: … ME: … BOSS: … ME: … BOSS: where do we get the falcons?
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Me: Let's play a board game Friend: Do you have the murder mystery one? Where you gotta find the killer? Me: I have no Clue
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BULLY: *shoves nerd* NERD: please help ME: throw a punch! BULLY: stay out of this ME: no, here let me show you *punches nerd* now you try
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BOSS: party after work! ME: can I come? BOSS: do birds fly? ME: [visibly excited] yes BOSS: haha sorry I meant pigs, loser
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COP: license & registration ME: *opens glovebox & it's full of snakes* shit COP: … ME: [pulls down visor and another snake falls out] shit
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