The world's gone bloody mad. I'm just pointing it out. British humour, bad moods and observations nobody asked for. Follow for a laugh. Stay for the complaints.
None of Your Bloody Business
Joined October 2025
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Congratulations. You've found the miserable bastard everyone's been warning you about.
I remember when a phone was for calling people, a pint didn't require a mortgage, and you could buy a bloody sandwich without downloading an app.
Now everything's smart except the people running it.
Apparently I'm supposed to embrace modern life.
I'd rather embrace a cactus. At least the prick comes with a warning.
🤖 Made with AI
Anyone remember these bloody things?
Bought a gobstopper in 1978 for 2p. Still working my way through the bastard.
It's changed colour seventeen times, outlived three dentists and survived two marriages.
At this rate, they'll be burying me with it still wedged in my gob.
Monday. Again.
I've barely recovered from last Monday, and some cheerful bastard's already telling me it's a fresh start and a new week of opportunities.
It's only just gone midday, I've lost my glasses, the kettle's taking forever and I've just stood in cat sick.
If this is a fresh start, I'd like a fucking refund.
Look at that. Billions of stars, countless planets, an entire universe stretching further than the human mind can comprehend.
And you’re telling me we’re the only intelligent life out there?
Bollocks.
The aliens have clearly found us, watched five minutes of what’s going on down here, locked their spaceship doors and told their children not to make eye contact.
What fresh hell is coming next?
We’re being told to stockpile supplies for the apocalypse, hackers could bring the country to its knees, storms have started introducing themselves by name, and even the fucking mummies are demanding privacy.
It’s only October.
At this rate, by Christmas the pigeons will have formed a trade union and my toaster will be demanding annual leave.
I’ve had enough of this century already FFS 🤦♂️
The UK government says we should stockpile enough supplies to survive 72 hours of a national emergency.
Right. I've made my list.
48 Yorkshire tea bags.
6 bottles of red wine.
3 tins of baked beans.
A family-sized packet of Hobnobs.
A baseball bat for anyone eyeing up my Hobnobs.
If civilisation collapses, I'm not rebuilding it until I've had a bloody cup of tea.
At 20, I wanted fast cars, beautiful women and wild nights out.
At 40, I wanted a nice house, a decent salary and a bit of peace.
Now I’m genuinely excited when I get a parking space near the supermarket entrance.
And if there’s a trolley that doesn’t pull to the left, I might actually fucking smile.
FFS. One bird gets an all-you-can-eat buffet, while the poor yellow bastard gets three seeds and a fucking insult.
He’s thrown himself on the floor like a Victorian orphan who’s just been told Christmas is cancelled.
And the greedy little sod next to him hasn’t even looked up.
I took a parcel in for next door three weeks ago.
The bastard hasn't collected it.
It's sitting in my living room, taking up space, contributing nothing and showing absolutely no intention of leaving.
I'm starting to think I've accidentally adopted another fucking relative.
Apparently, hotels and restaurants are starting to restrict influencer photoshoots and are considering the radical idea of serving food to people who actually intend to fucking eat it.
Maybe we can finally go out for dinner without some idiot standing on a chair photographing a boiled egg like it's auditioning for Britain's Got Talent.
I've got about 400 carrier bags stuffed under the kitchen sink.
All these years I've thought I was a disorganised old bastard. Turns out I've been sitting on a fucking investment portfolio.
⚠️ An 82 year old Grandma from Leeds has declared WAR on corporate greed by setting up a stall outside her local Morrisons selling her collection of second hand carrier bags, after being enraged at the supermarket charging an extortionate 60p per bag! 😲
"I've been hoarding these bloody things for 30 years!" she explained. "I've got hundreds under the kitchen sink, cupboards full of them and thousands piled up in the garden shed!"
The pensioner pocketed a whopping £13.40 on her first day and insists she'll be back tomorrow, claiming she's got enough bags at home to keep her in business until 2029.
“Make yourself at home.”
People say that when you visit, but imagine their fucking faces if you actually took them up on it.
Trousers off, heating up to 28, feet on the coffee table, helping yourself to their beer, raiding the fridge and falling asleep in their favourite chair with one bollock hanging out.
Don't say it if you don't bloody mean it.
Been watching The Traitors.
Apparently, blinking, smiling, breathing or looking at someone funny makes you a lying bastard.
I'd last about four minutes.
Someone would ask why I looked suspicious; I'd tell them to fuck off, and that would be the end of my television career.
Probably for the best.
Dynamic pricing. Another wonderful idea from people who should never be allowed near the public.
Apparently, the price of something can now depend on how many other poor sods want it.
It's a pint of lager, not a barrel of oil on the bloody commodities market.
#DynamicPricing #RipOffBritain
Apparently Britain's baking potatoes are smaller this year thanks to the hot summer.
Brilliant. Even the vegetables are shrinking now.
Soon you'll order a jacket potato in a pub and it'll arrive on a teaspoon with half a baked bean and a £14.95 bill.
#Shrinkflation #CostOfLiving
Christmas chocolate tubs are getting smaller again.
They used to be enormous tins that lasted until Easter. Now you open one, find eleven chocolates rattling around and wonder if you've accidentally bought the sample size.
Give it another year and Quality Street will be selling the empty wrapper as a festive experience.
#Shrinkflation #Chocolate #RipOffBritain
Remember when your phone rang and you actually answered it?
Now it's either a scammer, a robot, someone selling insurance or a recorded message telling you you've won a competition you never entered.
I've started treating incoming calls like unexploded bombs.
#ScamCalls #ModernLife