The only thing that can heal this country or if you feel like hate-watching something for 36 minutes. youtu.be/ByP3OKxUbIw?si=nI7M…

Dr. Doom: You have all lived stolen lives. Also me when I'm stuck in traffic.

Every person you see melting down on the internet is fighting a battle that they completely made up in their head.

Men absolutely love sneezing loud enough that it briefly causes a local state of emergency.

Eyy, living on Long Island baby. Complaining about taxes, watering my lawn until it's dead and then getting into car accidents.

"The Rays mishandled me." - Freddy Peralta after the game

Every person you see in public wearing a bluetooth headset is fighting a battle they really want you to hear only one side of.

I would not call a company that puts up Christmas lights "Humbug" that's what I'd name it if my specialty was taking them down.

Site: Create a password! Me: *Types exactly one letter* Site: THAT'S NOT ENOUGH CHARACTERS

It's good to have an agent so they can also get no response from people.

Top 2 professions of 2027: - Person who tells you whether or not something is AI. - Someone who gets paid to cry.

Millennial mid-life crisis ideas: - Buy anything. - Personally put a chain restaurant out of business. - Perform a coup on the local yoga class. - Open an obnoxious coffee shop. - Have a kid but don't tell a single person (impossible)

Interviewer: Your resume says you've been the Prince of Darkness for all of eternity but no college, zero references and no corporate experience? Satan: Yeah, but I'm the devil. Interviewer: I don't see a fit here.

Italian comedy special: 2 Mamma 2 Mia

*Average driving speed in NYC is like 12 MPH* "We need people to slow down! Millions could die!"

Halloween decorations fall into several categories: - More things than can possibly fit on your lawn. - Your house always looks like this but it works for October. - A sign that says "Please leave me alone."

Ugh, forgot to say "Don't forget to vote!" at the end of my set last night.

Amazon is always shocked you don't want something that's already been used and returned by somebody else.

Keep raising my utility bills. It makes me feel rich when I still manage to somehow pay it.

Cool system where one political party takes power, is terrible at their job for 2 years and then the other party takes over, is even worse and then just repeat that on loop while everyone gets mad at each other.

Wayfair: We sell parts of a couch. Maybe even all of it if you're lucky.