THE Bacon Father

Dudes will see this and just say, "fuck yeah!"

You’re an adult man that stole a tweet and pretended like you wrote it. Glad you’re still learning lessons that are obvious to everyone though.

If you guys want to see my old tweets here’s an account stealing them verbatim.

A Dollar General employee putting out their cigarette to come in and ring you up is a great sign of respect in their culture.

Waking up in Ohio….

70-30 like ground beef.

Wearing this to my grandma’s funeral today.

White people be like, “my golden retriever Winston has power of attorney over me.”

I heard you can crank hog in GTA 6.

Doing a little kettle bell workout today (kettle chips and Taco Bell)

Aquafina is the perfect bottled water for those who like to take big drinks from swimming pools.

Even the napkins are 500 calories.

It’s getting that time of year where people who don’t know how to cook a turkey talk about how bad it is. It’s a skill issue folks.

Watching the World Trade Center go down knowing I forgot to warn them when I went back in time to 2001 to invent the McGriddle….

They tried to get me to stop singing Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative during my intervention, but I could tell deep down they thought it was pretty cool.

I signed up for the new Costco Colonoscopy® program to save 20%.

I got 1 rubber ball, don't look at it, I have other normal things. 🤣 youtu.be/ZMduo-tuflk?is=9_2n…

$10 says all the hype about flockoween leads to nothing tonight.

My man tossed her like a ragdoll 🤣

If you really thought I voted at the NC capitol, I've got sad news for you, I don't live there, I live on the water. And the only blue I vote for is Michigan sports. 〽️