I've somehow lost almost all of my forks... but gained about 30 extra spoons. I'm not saying my 7 year old son is gaslighting me into thinking I'm losing my mind, but I'm not ruling it out either. – at Eye, England

Social media vs. social reality 😂 #relatable #fail

It has just occurred to me that the phrase is CHEF'S kiss. Not FRENCH kiss. This explains the confused look I received when I tried to compliment a musician's cover a few days ago.

That awkward moment when you wake up startled because your 7-year-old is standing an inch from your face, screaming: "Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun!" "What are you doing?!!!" "...The alarm clock song."

I heard something on a podcast that stuck with me: if you can’t afford to buy a gift this Christmas, give the gift of vulnerability instead. I’d rather someone buy me nothing than stress over money. Times are tough - go easy on yourself. There’s more to Christmas than presents. – at Eye, England

"But you said not to take sweets from strangers?" "I did. But not tonight. Tonight we take as many sweets as we can get from as many strangers as we can get to." "....right." – at Eye, England

Looking for a fun seasonal slasher read? 🎅🔪 The Very Naughty List – Parts 1 & 2 are out now! Huge thanks to everyone who’s supported me on this creative (and surprisingly therapeutic!) writing journey – it really does mean the world. Link in bio 😀 – at Eye, England

I used to skydive and bungee jump for thrills. These days, I find there's no greater buzz than seeing how much the price drops after scanning my Tesco Clubcard. – at Eye, England

MI6: "Mr Bond, you're absolutely certain that this mission requires you to fly to another tropical beach?" James: "....yes." – at Eye, England

"Try not to ruin your brand-new t-shirt on the first day." "Okay." *walks out of school like he's spent the entire afternoon doing tie-dye – at Eye, England

Coldplay accomplished what Bill & Ted only dreamed of - uniting the world through music! – at Eye, England

You know times are tough when you’re only swiping right on Tinder when their hobbies cost under fifty quid. Enjoys dog walks? Yes! That works. – at Eye, England

A fun game to play when you're 40+ is guessing whether you just slept badly or if that new joint pain is just your life now. – at Eye, England

When your Father's Day card just says “POO” in giant letters - and you wipe away a single tear, realising your child is a true poet at heart. – at Eye, England

Just voted in the BBC/RHS People’s Choice Award at Chelsea Flower Show – because Hospice UK’s “Garden of Compassion” is stunning and deserves the spotlight! A win would shine a light on the vital work hospices do across the UK. Please vote if you can! bbc.co.uk/programmes/article… – at Eye, England

"Look, the sooner you walk into school, the sooner you'll be back out." "No. The sooner I go in, the longer I'll be in there." ".........just go." Outsmarted by a bloomin' 6 year old! – at Eye, England

A frustrating part of parenting is being told your food sucks by someone who's favourite meal is Super Noodles with ketchup. – at Eye, England

Does it make you happy? Are you hurting anyone by doing it? If the answers are yes and no, then just do it. People will talk whether you do it or not — so own that weird, wonderful thing that makes you you. – at Eye, England

I'm worried that all this speculation about a massive city buried over 4,000 feet beneath the Egyptian pyramids is distracting from the real news - like Pot Noodles now being included in the Tesco meal deal. Truly, what a time to be alive. – at Eye, England