Mikey ADHD

I'M HOME FROM SCHOOL ALREADY BECAUSE TODAY WAS A HALF DAY FOR ANYONE WHO STARTED A FIRE.

FACT: HALF OF THE PEOPLE WITH A HAND OR NECK TATTOO WILL LET YOU BORROW A LIGHTER. FACT: EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITH A FACE TATTOO HAS AT LEAST ONE THING ON THEM THAT THEY’LL LET YOU LIGHT ON FIRE.

IF THEY HAVE ME SAY GRACE I’M GOING TO PRAY THE TOILET IN GRANDMA’S GUEST BATHROOM CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 10-15 POOPS TODAY.

THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT EATING FOOD THEN PLAYING BOARD GAMES WITH YOUR UNCLE PERCY UNTIL HE SHOWS YOU A PICTURE OF A NAKED LADY ON HIS PHONE.

MY SCHOOL’S THANKSGIVING PARTY GOT REAL AUTHENTIC WHEN I CAME IN WITH A HORSE AND MY PRINCIPAL TOOK IT FROM ME.

MAYBE CONSERVATIVES ARE OKAY WITH ROY MOORE CAUSE THEY THINK A PEDOPHILE IS SOMEONE THAT CAN MAKE THE ENDS OF THEIR TOENAILS SMOOTH BY WALKING A LOT.

WANT CHANGE FOR KIDS LIKE ME? GET OUT & VOTE. HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE? JUST SEND THE VOTING BOOTH YOUR THOUGHTS & PRAYERS.

YOU CAN HAVE MY THOUGHTS & PRAYERS BUT I’M NOT RELIGIOUS & ALL I️ THINK ABOUT ARE FARTS & TOUCHING THINGS WITH MY WEINER IF THAT’S ANY HELP.

SKIPPING SCHOOL TODAY TO GO TRICK OR TREATING AS A TIME TRAVELER WAS A BUST. MOSTLY GOT PACKETS OF RAMEN & CHASED BY THE POLICE ON MY BIKE.

I THREW MY TV OUT MY BEDROOM WINDOW JUST IN CASE NETFLIX CHARGES KEVIN SPACEY $9.99 A MONTH TO BINGE WATCH ME TOO.

I ONLY TRICK OR TREAT TO YELL “I HAVE DIARRHEA” & SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE LET ME RUN INTO THEIR KITCHEN & PRETEND TO USE THEIR SINK AS A TOILET.

ANY TIME IS A GOOD TIME TO TRY TO START A “WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS,” SING ALONG, BUT THE ABSOLUTE *BEST* TIME IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUNERAL.

THERE’S NO SONG SCARIER THAN “THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND.” IT’S BASICALLY SAYING “HERE’S 240 YEARS OF DIRTY DIAPERS, THESE ARE YOURS NOW, KIDS.”

GRANPA WAS IN WW2 SO INSTEAD OF KNEELING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM HE STANDS STRAIGHT UP & GOES TO TAKE A GIANT DUMP BEFORE THE GAME STARTS

VICTORIA SECRET KICKS YOU OUT OF THE STORE IF YOU'RE ASKED WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO SIGN LANGUAGE "29 PAIR OF UNDERWEAR."

I CANT' BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 8 YRS SINCE I STOPPED TELLING PEOPLE GHOST STORIES AROUND THE CAMPFIRES I'D START IN MACYS. #MYTWITTERANNIVERSARY

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN A BIG PILE OF TRASH IS IN THE COMPOST PILE THE MIDDLE GETS ALL STEAMY WITH STANK? OK WELL THAT'S U RIGHT NOW AUNT SHIRLEY.

MOM SAYS I CAN'T BE LEFT HOME ALONE BUT IT'S OK GRANDMA WATCHES ME EVEN THOUGH YESTERDAY I SAW HER TRY TO USE AN IN & OUT BURGER AS A SANDAL

YES YOU CAN USE THE CASKET LID TO PRETEND IT'S EATING THE DEAD BODY THAT'S WHY THEY SPELL "FUNERAL" WITH THE SAME LETTERS AS "REAL FUN."

JUST FYI, YOUR TOOTHBRUSHES ARE NOW COLOR CODED. THE BLUE ONE IS CLEAN, DONT SMELL THE GREEN ONE & YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO BURN THE ORANGE ONE.

WORLD WAR 2 SOUNDS A LOT LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS. GOOD VS EVIL, GUYS TRAVELING ACROSS DANGEROUS FOREIGN LANDS, MY HOBBIT GRANDPA WAS THERE.