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A quick tour of the plant-based "milks" that were going to save you and the planet. Almond milk. Ingredients: water, almonds (2%), calcium carbonate, sunflower lecithin, locust bean gum, gellan gum, potassium citrate, dipotassium phosphate, sea salt, natural flavour, vitamin mix. Each litre uses around 1,600 gallons of irrigated water in a state that has been in drought for a decade. Oat milk. Ingredients: water, oats, rapeseed oil, dipotassium phosphate, calcium carbonate, tricalcium phosphate, sea salt, riboflavin, vitamin A, D2, B12. Hexane-extracted seed oil with a dusting of grain in it. Spikes your blood sugar like a can of Coke. Soy milk. The soy was grown for the oil. The leftover meal, normally fed to pigs and chickens, is what you are drinking. The industrial by-product of seed oil production, sold to you as the ethical choice. Coconut milk. Thickened with carrageenan, shown in studies to provoke gut inflammation. Driving deforestation across Southeast Asia. Some Thai producers still use chained monkey labour to harvest the coconuts. Rice milk. Ingredients: water, rice, sunflower oil, calcium carbonate, sea salt, gellan gum, locust bean gum, vitamins. Sugar water with a faint memory of rice and another splash of seed oil for good measure. Pea milk. Engineered in a lab in 2015. Ingredients: water, pea protein isolate, sunflower oil, cane sugar, calcium phosphate, sea salt, gellan gum, xanthan gum, sunflower lecithin, natural flavour. The contents of a chemistry set in a carton. Hemp milk. Tastes like a barn floor. Still contains sunflower lecithin and gellan gum, because nothing in this aisle is allowed to exist without an emulsifier. Cashew milk. The shells contain a chemical so caustic that the women in Vietnam who hand-process them routinely suffer permanent skin damage. The world's most exploitative latte. Cow's milk. Ingredients: cow's milk. Eight thousand years on the table. No marketing budget required.