I’m Doris, Bitches

Twitter: The place for bitter divorcees, sexually frustrated singles, and suppressed married people. Welcome to the club, have a cookie.

Corporate world can suck my fat taint.

This has been the weirdest fucking four years and I’ve missed you all. I hope the good people are still here.

Shout out to all the people who like eating out.

Waking up in a country to learn that I now have fewer rights than an assault rifle.

Good work @BurgerKing Ordered 2 sausage and egg croissants (specifically said no cheese due to allergy). Receive two with no sausage and covered in cheese. I cannot believe this cost $17.

If 5 years ago you asked me where I saw myself in 2022, married and pregnant were not even on the top 100 list.

Poi, the original Gogurt.

Marriage really is just finding another human you can be gross with.

I’ve started referring to the Florida accent as “methhead Cajun”.

Did @Roku take away our ability to change backgrounds and themes? I can’t get rid of this @disney Red Panda advert.

My male supervisor just told a female colleague that she needs to smile more.

Good DND players are the best sexters.

If @TedDanson were a FFXIV character. #TedDanson #FinalFantasyXIV #FFXIV #ThingsYouCantUnsee

Suns out, tits out.

Just heard the saddest thing at a water park. A young girl about 9 walked past me, holding her stomach, and said to a friend, “I look fat now that I ate. Let’s not do that again”. What. The. Fuck.

Anyone else weirded out that Starbucks new slogan is “one person, one cup”?

I was today years old when I realized he’s called Honeydew because his head looks like a honeydew 🍈 #Honeydew #TheMuppetShow #Muppets #TodayYearsOld

American is returning to normal. Employees are expected to be at work while sick. #SorryCustomers

Your girl is back. Back to Twitter. Back to the Midwest. Back with something new (to her), and Only Fans.