18: can I buy a bottle of wine? USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible 18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education? USA: we encourage it

agent: these contracts are OK, but we need to make your name sound more "French" The Bron Jimmy: why??

oh you like cold pizza? is that so? you walk into pizzerias and ask for their two coldest slices? is that right? you go to restaurants and order the Cold Pizza? is that what you're doing? when the delivery comes you put that pie in the fridge for an hour before eating? fuck off

me: [paying $500 dollar monthly subscription] I'm in so much pain doctor: have you tried ibuprofen?

you can get people to fill out your survey if you tell them it has 20 grams of protein

good luck at your gambling addiction therapy session!

[opens birthday present and its a pair of socks] hell yeah [opens 2nd birthday present and its another pair of socks] OH HELL YEAHH

wife: did you eat any fruit today? me: yeah I had two monster energy drinks this morning wife: me: wife: me: it's got citrus

sorry, my cat walked across my keyboard and deleted my homework

our lives are just an amalgamation of nonsensical tomfoolery on a ferris wheel of grand shenanigans

me: and for appetizers I've prepared a hand pressed maize tortilla, artisanal fromage & fire-roasted filling, griddled à la plancha, with a salsa roja reduction" wife: that's just a microwaved tortilla with shredded cheese and Frank's red hot