Which would have been my most successful show?

Oh look, this giraffe seems to be winding his neck in.

Do you think @PaulMcCartney's watching this?

You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.

There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.

But the point is, I bounced back. People bounce back. Dennis Hopper, Rolf Harris... There are others.

And, no offence, Lynn... "None taken." You don't know what I'm going to say. Wait until I've said it before you decide not to take offence.

SACK Lynne for being unloyal - DISLOYAL - And for joining in fun which excludes her employer.

Go to London. I guarantee you'll either be mugged or not appreciated.

Do you like chocolate? I’ve really got to say this, Dave; Chocolate oranges are available for Rawlinson’s… that’s all.

Valentine’s day - A day on which Mr. Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them. Died of syphilis, he did. So there is some justice.

That’s not toast, Michael. That’s hot floppy bread.

I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.

Hello, it’s Alan again. I’ve locked you all in the boardroom so you can’t get me. But you can leave by the fire escape. We haven’t got a second series; I just didn’t have the guts to say that earlier.

I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.

OK! There will be no telephone Cluedo today because of the threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo.

I’ve got 104 friends.

Have you got a battery for an Ericsson?

You could be a Bond femme fatale with your broken English. You’re sexy but I don’t trust you!