Tim

My daughter just asked me why they don't make a taco cake and I DON'T KNOW DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY ON EARTH THERE IS NO TACO CAKE????

[Walks into kitchen] Hey, honey, do you know where I left my updog? "I want a divorce" Not much, what's up with you?

[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*

Bruce Wayne: Are you my batrista? Barista: It's "bar-ista" BW: That's what I said. "Bat-rista" B: What can I get you? BW: A Batppuccino

People get very upset when you don't wear your headphones correctly on the subway

Black Friday is just The Purge with low priced HDTVs

This is the best description of how I handle my feelings ever

Me logging in to Twitter each morning

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

I think we already have the answer to this question

Jesus looks like he is calling for the ball in the post so he can dunk away your sins

Flight Attendant: Did you sneak a dog on here? Me: Absolutely not FA: OK, because we would have to kick you off if you did [15 minutes later] FA (over speaker): Welcome aboard the flight. We will be coming through the cabin shortly with drinks and treats for everyone. Me: Oh no

[2 am] Wife: *turns on light* Where the hell have you been? Me: *covered in glitter* Umm, watching the Olympics

[At Restaurant] Server: Hope you are hungry. Me: I am Server: Is this your first time? Me: No, I've been hungry before.

If you stick a pair of wings on a giraffe, you basically have a dragon

Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: don't BW: You could even say CK: please don't BW: It's Souper, man

Boss: Why do you look so sad? Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this