For a first date, If you want to be a real man, you need to send an Uber to pick her up. If you don’t, you’re classless and cheap. No exceptions, I don’t care how far away she lives from the Taco Bell.

The only person who deserves to be in prison more than Elizabeth Holmes is Nathan Fielder.

My sauces are telling me that Vivek cried the night Jeffrey Epstein was shot. Cried for hours.

I fucked Lindsay Graham for 11 dollars. If you expect me to give that money back, you can go to Hell.

To make Avengers Doomsday feel more immersive, Disney has announced plans to start murdering random people.

Unless you're in prison, you're a normie. Shut up.

These pizza’s all look retarded, but to be fair, they also look evil.

Trump just announced that he is moving forward with a plan to abolish the Police and replace them with thousands of “Armed Kiosks” remotely operated by prison inmates. When a reporter asked the cost of the new program, Trump pulled out a ceremonial knife.

They need to invoke the 25th Amendment ASAP, because it’s obvious to anyone with a brain that “Old America” is a much better name.

If Boomers don’t want to pay property taxes, then they can just go to prison for treason, and live in a cell forever. It’s really the least they can do.

If Trump were in that Black Mirror episode, he would surprise everyone by doing anal with the pig. Nobody told him to, it’s just instinct, and everyone gets super uncomfortable, but there’s nothing we can do about it because stocks might fall, and that’s basically our life now.

My rivals are sloppy, impulsive, and they basically know nothing about strategy, so it’s really only a matter of time before they wind up in prison for murdering me.

The American Flag should be replaced with a printout of this tweet.

“Who’s on First?” is actually one of the worst comedy sketches ever recorded. It’s a lazily written tedious slog, which overstays its welcome almost immediately. The fact that anyone ever thought it was funny is a testament to the power wielded by the old Hollywood system.

My gym teacher in 8th grade got fired because he got caught banging an older woman behind the bowling alley while some kid was having a birthday party inside. I think it was just a coincidence, but it didn’t look good at all.

Elizabeth Holmes should be in Gitmo.

Give me liberty, or give me chicken fingers.

My neighbor ratted me out to Child Protective Services because I refused to buy BBL surgery for my son.

I wouldn’t say that I have a passion for First Amendment auditing, but it’s what my father did, and his father before him.

I don’t know why they keep making Street Fighter movies when we already have Rocky 5.