Quick heads up for my new followers, most of my tweets are extremely rude, I am here for a laugh, not for grief, I dont do PC, I use 'fuck' like punctuation, but if you got my back, I got yours ok? So buckle the fuck up buttercups, and enjoy the ride...

Happy Trafalgar Day! Splice The Mainbrace! ⚓️⚓️⚓️⚓️⚓️⚓️⚓️🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

A very good friend of mine has gone missing, last seen catching a flight to Helsinki, then just disappeared into Finnair!

If I see one of these when I am paying my respect to my fallen comrades,I will not be responsible for my actions.

Fuck your reparations, you cnuts owe us! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

Our lass said "Oh, bless." I said "What?" Our lass replied "There's a gorilla pictured here and she's adopted two kittens because she can't have any of her own." I said "Probably because she's a fucking gorilla!"

Watching our lass eating porridge is like something out of a fairy tale. Not too hot…Not too cold… But enough to feed three fucking bears.

Happy Birthday Sir Cliff!

Whale. As I stood on the top deck of the ocean liner with my son, we stared out into the icy wilderness... "Dad, do you think we'll see the whale surface again this morning" asked my young son... "Not a fucking chance son, your mother will be in bed until the 1pm free fucking buffet starts."

I was interviewing a girl for Pornhub yesterday. "So this is just a website admin role?" she asked. "Yes, it will be office based." "So no having to suck anyone off or fuck someone on camera?" "Well, that depends on how much you want the job,"

Paddy's & Mary's marriage was not doing well, eventually Mary took herself off to consult a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly. The Doctor spent an hour patiently asking all sorts of general questions about their marriage and ticking boxes on assessments. He eventually started to probe her on the intimate side of things; "Tell me Mary, how often during the average week do you have sex?" "Well Doctor, it can vary but usually two or three times a week." "That's very good Mary. When you're having sex how would you describe Paddy's expression?" "It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all. He looks terrible angry." "Ah that's very interesting Mary. Tell me, when you're having sex and Paddy has this angry expression what position would he normally be in?" "Usually stood on top of the fucking ladder Doctor, looking in through the window . . ."

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg - and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him "We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! "How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his fucking arse"

Moses opens his tablet...... "You have 10 unread commandments'......

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours...? Earl walked into a Chemists in Manchester and asked to talk to a male pharmacist... The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him... Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist... The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism... Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it"...? The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister"... When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do... 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, a king size bed and £3,000 a month in living expenses"...