Every recipe online starts like this: “The first time I fell in love with flavorful chicken dishes I was sitting on my Grandpappy’s front porch. The lightnin’ bugs were out in full force on account of the crick rising that spring…” JUST TELL ME HOW TO MAKE THE DAMN THING!

Can’t wait for the next heavyweight boxing match when Mr. Beast takes on the remains of Muhammad Ali. #TysonPaul

Sit the starters now. Embarrass them. Piss them off. Win two in a row at home. #Knicks #Pacers #NBAPlayoffs2024

My son has his first lockdown drill at school today. Hey Siri, play ‘Proud to be an American.’

I’m going to bed!

Grandpa, how’d you make your fortune? Well dear, I bet it all on Taylor Swift wearing the color purple at Super Bowl LVIII. President Swift? Yes, dear, President Swift.

Brandon Staley just updated his #LinkedIn profile. #Chargers #LACvsLV

They didn’t call PA cuz passes to Valdez-Scantling are automatically “unable to catch”. #ChiefsKingdom #GreenBay

Dear @saquon , the writers and actors stand behind. Come on down to the picket lines and join us on #strike. We ALL deserve to get PAID! @WGAWest @WGAEast @sagaftra @NFL #paysaquan #NYGiants

My account was hacked and I haven't had access to Twitter in three months. What did I miss? Is Obama still president?

“We don’t put our feet in food.” #ThingsISayNowAsAParent

The day I stop trying to sing all the lines to @barenakedladies “One Week” will be the day I die.

People with tickets to LeBron's NEXT game right now: #Lakers

Wow! Drew Bledsoe is still mad at @TomBrady! 😬

Back to the Future 4: Marty McFly goes back in time to stop his kids from posting a cringey Tik Tok video that will get them canceled.

My wife: How did he die? Coroner: He...let his inbox get too full.

I wonder if it would’ve helped having Mike Williams during the second half. #FireStaley

Urban Meyer is watching this game and smiling (in a strip club) right now. #jagsvschargers

We did it, folks! @thechaseabc is back tonight?! Writing Qs for the show makes me feel smart, but imagine actually KNOWING the answers?!

#NeverHaveIEver Picked the right checkout line at ANY store