If Twitter dies, let's all buy condos in the same complex, sit out on our patios, and scream our Tweets at each other.

One gourd outside didn't make it to Halloween. Cut down in your prime, little guy...

My offer of putting on a Michael Myers mask and hunting you around the house still stands.

I see the Rays did a wardrobe change, like the Mighty Ducks during the second intermission at the Junior Goodwill Games. #WorldSeries

I misread a news headline that read "When will NYC see fall?" as "When will NYC see snowfall?" and I almost wanted to throat-punch someone. My Christmas tree might be fully erect next week, but you can hold the snow for a while.

A pick?! Mine eyes must deceive me. #DallasCowboys

I don't understand not using a timeout at the 30-second mark. #DallasCowboys

Brewers are prettay, prettay, prettay good, huh? #WorldSeries2026

"Major League" and "Angels in the Outfield" both are on TV. THIS is the baseball that I miss. Teams full of ragtag playmakers who all look like they could be my father, smoking and throwing heaters.

Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow is Monday. Sorry; I was just trying a reverse Beetlejuice thing.

Just to clarify, if I say to you, "Hey, babe. Wanna get porched?," I mean "Do you want to go to our rocking chairs situated out on our wraparound porch, imbibe some adult libations, read our books, smooch, and savor the sights and aromas of autumn?"

*Me, applying aftershave following a, you guessed it, shave.*

Peter, Peter, pumpkin seed eater.

Me: "I'm not ready to relinquish my hold on October and spooky season. Horror movies, ghouls, and candy.... It flew by. It's not fair." Also me: "Christmas tree will be up in about a week."

Not bad for my first ever attempt at pumpkin carving. ⚾🎃 Confession: There are two toothpicks in there because one piece snapped off and another piece wasn't staying in place. Otherwise, I'm happy with how it turned out.

Family-size box of Cheez-It. Challenge accepted.

Get out of my dreams, and absolutely get the hell out of my car.

Refilled my Halloween candy bowl so that I can eat it all again before Saturday.

Hear me out: A themed party, but it's us actually going back to 1996.