*Our 3 year old after laying the largest shit I have ever seen resting in the toilet* Him: “Aren’t you so proud I did that?” Me: “It’s a lot” Him: “I feel good”

Gonna create a show where regular crabs try to give horseshoe crabs makeovers, get super mad when it doesn’t go well and the horseshoe crabs just think it’s hilarious. What’s that? Yea, I’ve been drinking why do you ask?

My Father’s Day gift is getting is drunk in the pool. 10/10

5 year old: why do they call them the colds when they make you feel hot? Me: I…I don’t know. *sitting in silence remainder of the car ride*

I’m gonna try to get everyone to call a Jameson Orange and Sprite a Spray Tan. It’s good by the way.

If anyone needs me I’ll be drinking this ulcer in a can. Also I have to be driving a jet ski while drinking this correct?

My wife and I are coaching our son’s soccer team. They came up with the team name which is The Dragon Lions. All pro sports team names should be picked by a panel of 5 year olds.

They should make an anti-gas pill called Be Still My Fart.

The plural of house should be hice.

Watching Polar Express with our 2 year old. He’s a bit nervous that they aren’t going to make it to the North Pole. I don’t think we are going to watch Die Hard next.

I have an idea for movie where yogurt and pudding set aside their rivalry to take down ice cream. Oatmeal is there to, he a health nut or some shit. I approached Pixar but they said “I am trying to have dinner with my family you weirdo” so I guess I have to go to work tomorrow.

I already told you, I thought PCP stood for Peaceful Calm Pill, and that is why I fought your car dealership’s inflatable gorilla. The real crime is his sign says “we don’t monkey around with high prices”…gorillas aren’t monkeys you assholes!

Thank you for calling Fan Dandies, fancy fans for the man on the go! Oh hello Frederick. No I cannot sell you more fans. Why? Because you owe us $38,000. Those Bevis and Butthead fans were a custom job a now my living room is filled with them. I can’t even see my own fancy fans!!

Me: Laser discs have a disappointing parts breakdown. They are like 9% laser at best. I ain’t paying for 91% disc! Best Buy employee: sir we need to close and we don’t sell those anymore.

Can’t wait to go back to the movies at some point so I can yell things like “look out Avatar!” and “go get em Avatar!”

If there has never been a comedy club named Give Me All Your Funny….what has this all been for?

"Everything has consequences. They recklessly named it shampoo years ago and now we have no good, concise phrase for fake poop" - from my absolutely bonkers editorial I have sent to every publication

Our 2 year old upon waking up this morning: “I had a rough day last night” He’s almost 3, but weird that he wakes up the same way as a grizzled PI.