Hey, I wrote a book! It’s called New to Me: A Mostly Ridiculous, Highly Undignified, and Occasionally Heartfelt Diary of Pregnancy and First-Time Motherhood. (I am obviously super great at pithy titles.) I really hope you like it! amazon.com/dp/B07DRRG6J4

Anyway I’m either driving north or south for a really long time today, we’ll see what Google Maps tells me to do.

I briefly got it confused with the beach they talked about in Shawshank Redemption. Manzanitaaaaaaa? But no, that was Zihuatanejo.

Faced with a pet mess that’s for sure gross but otherwise of mysterious origin. Cat/dog? Front/rear?

I seem to be having trouble course-correcting my eating from the weekend (she typed, while tossing back a fistful of dry Froot Loops).

“Does her gots a hedgehog? Does her gots a HEDGEHOG?” Sweet jesus what is my moronic babytalking deal with dogs and squeaky toys.

Whenever I see an email sent to my About.me, I steel myself. Here’s a fine example why.

It felt ridiculously decadent but I had a 2 hour layover and I don’t drink, so. What else is there to do?

Got one of those airport massages yesterday and it was, no kidding, the Best Thing Ever. You do have to be okay with being publicly rubbed.

Not buying it, Cat Attract Sequence.

Nobody went grocery shopping when I was gone this weekend. They ate takeout pizza and peanut butter for 3 days.

"But we’re actually a really unique modern customer-focused twist on -" No. You’re called Credit Donkey. Go to your room.

You lost me at “CREDIT DONKEY,” annoyingly pervasive Facebook ad. I don’t even care what they do. No. No credit donkeys.

Forever-misheard “Beat It” lyric: Show them hot pucky dong in the light It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or who’s right

“Now I’m just sitting back down.” “I will heave an enormous sigh to convey my sorrow. Let’s repeat this 38209 more times today."

“I’m just walking to the bathroom.” “You’re passing where the dog food is I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU. I will snout your leg, in encouragement."

Me: “I’m just getting up. I’m not feeding you.” Dog: “This one time you might be. Look at my moist eyes. I have never eaten, ever."

Where did this Pokemon obsession come from no I don’t care about your woobat’s attack damage points cards oh my god my brain is melting

And can I even BELIEVE how the coach was a secret Washington General all along? That was some M. Night Shymdingdong plot twist action!

Harlem Globetrotters are legit kid entertainment. My boys are still going off about that SUPER CLOSE GAME last night.