I've just looked in the mirror. I have THREE FUCKING BITES on my FOREHEAD. This is unacceptable behaviour from the mosquitoes. Some shit you just do not do and biting people in the bastarding face is one of them. Cunts. All of them.

We are in Spain! And here's a side effect of perimenopause no one warned me about, previously mosquitos ignored me entirely, this time, I'm getting EATEN ALIVE. I'm up to 15 bites and we've only been here one evening. Itchy as fuck.

Only someone who never does the family packing would see no problem with strolling in the evening before a morning flight to announce that they read the baggage allowance wrong and we in fact have 2 10kg bags less than he said we had. I am fuming, lads.

I've got a song called 'I shit myself in the middle of Aldi' stuck in my head. Heard it on a podcast and it will not shift.

On the way home from Manchester last night, at dusk, we saw 8 lads in grey and black hoodies leg it across the Northbound M6 toll and stand in the central reservation. They really need to bring back the public information broadcasts that scared the shit out of us in the 80s.

Is it me or is this platform getting madder by the day? I've just seen someone say they think Julia Roberts is a man because they can't see her womb, as if we carry it round like a bumbag.

Anyone who has successfully refereed a kick off from a 4 year old should automatically be considered for a position as a UN diplomatic envoy or a hostage negotiator.

There is nothing so adept at making you feel like a half arsed parent as a school mum's whats app group.

In today's episode of 'Fun with Avanti', they decided to fuck with us all by ensuring the train arrived at the platform on time. Joke's on us though because that is where we still are, sat on the platform, where we have been for some while. Sigh.

The tiger vs man incident at the zoo in Yorkshire certainly seems to have provoked strong opinions on both sides.

Blephs. What even are fucking blephs? Honestly, I don't have the time or the energy to be insecure about all the physical attributes of mine that social media says are now substandard because I'm not a size six 20 year old.

I have a minging cold so I had a massive g&t and now I've bought a Manicurist nail varnish advent calendar. I cannot be trusted with a phone when I've had a drink. But I am very much looking forward to my advent calendar. And being able to taste things again.

I honestly had no idea that big school parenting involved this much communication and admin.

It's Wednesday, PE day in reception class and the parents whats app is packed with parents whose kids have come home in the wrong clothes or with missing items. Including us. Here's hoping Wee Man's school jumper makes it home one day.

I am ONE FUCKING BLUEBOTTLE away from burning my house down just to make sure I don't have to deal with any more of these fat buzzy twats.

Somehow Princess Diana's brother always manages to come across as an enormous arsewipe.

Happy birthday to me, the school phoned to say wee man fell over in the playground and has an egg shaped lump and a graze on his head. Now in a queue to ask the GP if he needs to be seen. Fucks sakes.