Rob Cee

Best songs that order composers to do things: 1. Rock Me Amadeus 2. Roll Over Beethoven 3. Make Me a Sandwich Brahms 4. Eat a Dick Vivaldi

*three witches stirring a cauldron behind Arby's* SWEATER WEATHER, BEEF AND CHEDDAR...

I like to think of myself as the Hulk Hogan of not being racist.

What makes twisted tea so "twisted," anyway? Does it organize cockfights? Practice incest? Manufacture chemical weapons? I demand answers.

Celebrating the 4th anniversary of my kidney stone today -- objectively, the worst thing that has ever happened on September 11th.

Your honor, that's not very jiggy of you.

Relationship goals:

I believe calories don't count when the temperature is over 90 degrees.

Ernest Denies The Holocaust

Got a tarot reading and I got the "freshly-decapitated white guy who looks a lot like me" card, but the reader said that's not always bad.

I was considering becoming a vegetarian, but I don't think I'd be able to eat fish and chips EVERY night.

*Doc Brown, covered in blood, finishes shoving a flux capacitor up Mando's ass* Marty McFly: Doc, you built a time machine... out of a Mandalorian?

Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.

It's not so much that I avoid conflict, I just lose the argument before it happens.

Before they settled on Emerald, The Wizard of Oz was going to reside in Blood Diamond City.

Clinton will admit that yes, he’s been to Pedophile Island — but only after getting shipwrecked on what was supposed to be a three-hour tour.

Seahawks really losing the time of possession battle here.

At the club, wearing my new cologne: Amazon Basic for men.

I asked a fortune teller to read my tarot cards for $20, but she wanted 50 instead. I just walked away because I don’t negotiate with tarotists.