Zero Headspace

Ever take a few days to get healthy just so you can start drinking heavily again?

If I'm gonna die of cancer I might as well hurry up and read all these books, so at least I'll have something to talk about whe-- Oh, right.

It doesn't count as drunk if no one's there to laugh at you. #TheIcemanCometh

Oh, the South. I keep being from you, and you just keep being yourself.

Great news, the scan came out clear! We'll just do some quick follow-up SPECT-CT imaging of the bone lesions we found and you'll be all set!

People need to stop whining about traditional witch dunking. It's a simple test, y'all. If you're not a witch, then why are you so worried?

Fuuuuuuuuck! Do you (a) Strongly Agree, (b) Somewhat Agree, (c) Neither Agree Nor Disagree, (d) Somewhat Disagree, or (e) Strongly Disagree?

I liked the whole @realDonaldTrump thing better when it happened on #BlackMirror.

Workers, today is May Day! Five fingers make a fist! This message of militance and solidarity has been brought to you by @GoldmanSachs.

They were born recently. #KidsTodayin4Words

Drop the day.

God has a plan for us all. What happens is there are wars and atrocities and natural disasters and eventually we all die and then nothing.

Man walks into a bar. The bartender is his exact double. Man stops, falls down, weeps. Bartender says what'll you have? Man says the regular

What do I do? Nothing. Well, I take care of my kid and clean the house and think about the void a lot, but I don't have, like, a *job* job.

First afternoon nap in ages. I'd forgotten what it's like to have a sweat-soaked nightmare in the middle of the day.

That and all political debates should take place in a silent empty room. #DemDebate teapawt.org/FlackInTheCity/status/…

Saying @BernieSanders is unqualified to be POTUS is like saying a nutritionist is unqualified to run McDonalds. Technically true, and yet...

I'll almost be sad when @realDonaldTrump goes back to just being a joke about hair.

Believe you're halfway there and you can take the rest of day off. teapawt.org/nickelJones/status/718…

Like that time in Baltimore when rats ate my Border Collie. teapawt.org/louper5/status/7176105…