Theo

In a shocking attack on free speech, a man walked out of a London cinema, calling the latest Ali G movie “a load of rubbish”. A woman who was wearing an IDF t-shirt nearby burst into tears and no one rushed to console her. This meant she had to call the police herself. The suspect escaped the cinema in a getaway vehicle, but counter-terrorism police arrested him at his home. The prime minister says it was part of an Iran-linked terror plot, but bizarrely the man has been released on bail. When confronted by reporters in his street, he looked confused. He explained: “I used to think Ali G was funny when I was 18 and stupid, but I hadn’t paid attention to him for 20 years. I decided to give the movie a go because I liked the idea of going into an empty cinema, but it wasn’t worth it. It was just a sad old man wearing blackface and perving over women young enough to be his granddaughter. It was embarrassing.” I apologise for quoting his hate speech word for word, but it’s important the public understands how bad the problem has got. What is the world coming to when a Zionist can’t wear blackface or fantasise about Sydney Sweeney? I tried to find fans of the movie for comment, but unfortunately there doesn’t appear to be any. Despite a massive PR push, only 14 people went to see Ali G worldwide, so it was moved to streaming services where no one bothered to stream it. What makes this particularly upsetting is that Cohen has worked his whole life for this. He was heavily involved in the Labour Zionist youth movement and spent time living on kibbutzes, which he credits with honing his comedy skills. This explains why he is to comedy what Gal Gadot is to acting. Cohen’s movie Borat was a massive hit in Israel, partly because the language the character speaks is actually Hebrew and it’s filled with inside jokes that only Zionists understand. Those jokes are hilarious, but they aren’t meant for the goyim. Think about about the last time you hit translate on Hebrew Twitter post before they removed the translate button. It’s that level of comedy. People accuse Cohen of being Mossad just because he played a legendary Mossad agent in The Spy and an Israeli security expert in Who Is America? Obviously, this accusation is ridiculous and can only be driven by antisemitism. To prove the point, Cohen joined forces with the Anti-Defamation League—the organisation whose leader brags about cyberstalking critics of Israel. Cohen has called social media platforms “the greatest propaganda machines in history”. He blames an online boycott for Ali G bombing harder than the IDF in Gaza. Cohen explained that “pro-Palestine activists” and "Hamas-affiliated operatives” are the reason no one went to see his movie. Just know that if you’re one of those people, you face up to 14 years in prison under the Terrorism Act. Andy Burnham is so concerned about the boycott that he’s just held an emergency COBRA meeting. Everyone who attended the meeting wore blackface in solidarity with Israel, apart from Shabana Mahmoud who wore a Borat moustache instead. You will be pleased to know the Ali G movie will now be shown in all schools as part of a deradicalisation program. If the little shits don’t improve their behaviour fast, we might even make them watch Borat.