You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

Nothing says welcome to America quite like the sugar-coated dried mango. We took nature's sugar bomb, stripped off everything that wasn't sugar, and replaced that nonessential bullshit with even stronger sugar. We're fine why are you asking.

New law: If your loud motorcycle sets off car alarms, you are forced to drive an e-bike for one month.

Gonna open a karaoke bar that discriminates against good singers. You got five octaves? You’re ruining it, get out. I came to see Linda get drunk and own her half octave.

I bet AI knew it could take the species when American businesses started having to put up "caution, wet floor" signs on rainy days.

As words, Worcestershire and poivre can really go fuck themselves.

Nearly 2pm. Time to turn the smallest sugar craving into a full blown shame parade.

Sometimes I think about how McQueen ghosted Sally in "Cars" and hope she's now CEO of a global company with very solid HDL levels and work-life balance and in Cars 4 he comes back to beg for her forgiveness but she's late for a board meeting end movie.

Sorry, can’t. Scrolling to my birth year.

Whoever decided to call rain an “atmospheric river” either worked at Bath & Body Works or missed their calling as a fast-rising executive at Bath & Body Works.

No one: Local news: “And now, a viral video of a man halfway across the world being eaten by an animal we can’t even fathom.”

new book smell > new car smell

Just saw a news headline that started "Beyond Oil..." and thought nope I don't want vegetarian gasoline.

Kiss cam operators have been plotting this for years. They got a list.

Sometimes I'm chill and other times I wonder how many microplastics I’ve eaten and if my insides are slowly turning into a Dollar Store.

Social media's fail is only fixating on the new. It's like a dog that dry humps any new person who walks through the door. Also show us things with history and roots. Be the dog who walks over to the person who's been there for an hour and honors them with a dry hump.

Need a patch or a gum to help us break our phone habit. Just a couple milligrams of dumb internet shit pumped into our bloodstream throughout the day.

Pretzels are the truffle of coach class.

I’m team foot font. Footless fonts are too straight, too clean, like font veneers. Helvetica is a serial killer.

If you own a dolly and have not yet named it Salvador, your dolly may be revoked.

Per recipe, WaterWipes sound a lot like La Croix for butts.