🚨BREAKING🚨: ESPN will be sending Pat McAfee to cover the livestream execution of the Fort Hood Shooter

⚠️PARENTS BEWARE⚠️ pedophiles are using these figurines to signal their identity to each other in plain sight. Each one represents a victim.

A little known fact about the CARS universe, is that post-World War 2 many Volkswagens, BMWs and Mercedes fled to Cargentina to avoid the Nuremberg Time Trials

I’ve had nightmares exactly like this

Look at this beauty

A few weeks ago I got a DM asking for my “rates for doing a paid partnership” with a robot vacuum company called @maticrobots (which I didn’t respond to because I’ve never done that and don’t have “rates” for posts or quote tweets seeing as companies usually don’t wanna be associated with an account that tweets about Guy Fieri eating pussy) but I DM’d the owner of the robot company as a courtesy and he confirmed it was a scam but then offered to send me a vacuum and said if you like it, throw in a good word and if not no big deal. We have 2 dogs and 5 cats. I am not above accepting a vacuum cleaner that buys me good will from my wife who has to put up with my shitposting. Sue me. Anyways, I didn’t know this thing vacuums AND mops. It’s probably the most hi-tech thing we’ve ever owned. Tammy was so excited she wanted to make an unboxing video so here it is. We’ve had it 5 days and she might be cheating on me with it.

Perez Hilton:

The funniest gun video I’ve ever seen just came across my desk

Put my grandpa’s suicide knob on the truck

This is on par with the brand that brought your subscription based heated seats