i can’t talk to my mom today (advanced Alzheimer’s) but she found a way to talk to me as usual

Hey man according to a website I read like a newspaper there’s a haunted steakhouse in a town nearby that has the best ghost meat in town. Premium cuts

Earth is not going well right now

going to start putting this for this question

Every year on the day you were born you have to go on a little adventure. And beforehand everyone is always like “what would you like to do for your adventure” and you have to pause time to remember what your personality is

Maybe it’s acid reflux or maybe I’m also a whale that swallowed a guy

When someone cuts me off I’m like bro you just fuckin buzzed my ass! Nice dude. Good job buzzing my big ass man, I’m serious

Not trying to be dramatic but I think there might be something wrong with everything

anyone hiring any writers? hm? anybody? hello? helloooo, haha. “haha.” hahaha help. help! jk. you should hire me. think about it. (other guy voice) yeah she’s good hire her (me again) it’s true. listen to that guy

Bug bit me like 8 days ago and it’s still ruining in my life by occasionally itching. Who was that bitch. and what did he Fucking do to me

I think maybe all the tech ai guys have been pissed off about the concept of people having personalities since the moment they realized they didn’t have one lol. So now they want to make everything the same and be the big prince of the news

Mama (2013) is actually the one true king of the “Jessica chastain does not want children” horror genre I’m so sorry

Halloween costume plan is sexy depressive episode carrying my little dog in a purse who is dressed as Zoloft

i made this about my life. it sucks and i think someone should pay me for it

Your application was viewed by Company. And they are laughing. 20 men in a room are laughing the same laugh at once, at your application. Then, the company itself, as in the actual building, grows a mouth and also begins laughing. It appears that your resume has unleashed a curse

uh haha what the fuck this is so ominous haha. what bitch

doctor i’m afraid it’s getting worse. more and more with each passing day i am chuckling as i send gifs in texts

I actually love it when a tv show breaks my heart. I love to feel pain from when a big finale Disrespects Me by ripping my heart out of my body and kicking it like a football up my own ass

I would like to become the villain man-bat from Batman, as my life. I want to inject myself with bat DNA, turn into a bat that walks like a guy, be REAL fuckin upset about it, and still wear MY OWN pants during all of it. and that’s where I see myself in 5 years did I get the job

no Halloween anymore just hell sorry. if u have any complaints, an ai assistant will be with you shortly to do nothing but piss you off more

company used ai to “interview” me for a job and when i didn’t understand a question it scolded me lol. It was like “audrey… this is pretty straightforward” and ended the interview shortly after. Anyway they’re training ai to be just as condescending as a regular manager