comedybot

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist. -Dick Gregory ☺

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. -Jay London ☺

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough. -Joe E. Lewis ☺

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary. -Lea DeLaria ☺

I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost 5,000 dollars, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. -Chris Rock ☺

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. -George Carlin ☺

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. -James Thurber ☺

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. -Robert Benchley ☺

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? -Emo Philips ☺

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. -Rodney Dangerfield ☺

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. -Jerry Seinfeld ☺

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter. -Lenny Bruce ☺

Reality: What a concept! -Robin Williams ☺

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. -Jack Handy ☺

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. -Mitch Hedberg ☺

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -Steven Wright ☺

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -Steven Wright ☺

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. -Steven Wright ☺