Courtney Craft

"Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to stop being gross for just a second." -me as a doctor

Apparently, "If this text interrupted you watching pornhub and you were about to finish, you can do it!", isn't how you message the guy you like.

I just did my duty as an Ohioan and said the Ohio thing: "It's so cold out. At least it's not windy though"

Called ID has existed for many years. My mom on my voicemail: hey, it's your mom.

We've been communicating for how long as a human species? And we are still complete horse shit at it.

The floor is lava Except it's just America And everything is lava

I could never imagine leading a life that looked so full filling, touched as many people, inspired so many others and still left it on his own terms. A poet in his own right. We didn't deserve Anthony Bourdain.

Me: *enters the same zip code as a poison ivy plant* Poison ivy: watch this lol

The fact that I remember the number for JG Wentworth and not the number for any immediate family or friends, is a cause for concern.

Getting married is just telling each other to "stop doing that irritating thing" for 40 years.

Old man: what's all that rumpus?? Me: *banging together pots and pans giggling* say more old people phrases

Good cop: I understand this is scary. Bad cop: scary? You haven't seen scary yet! *3rd cops enters* Officer Scary: there's hormones in the water and they make you gay.

If your knees don't snap when you bend down, you're too young for me.

Me: you're so dramatic. 6: I'm not dramatic, I'm creative. Narrator: and that's when she realized her job here was done.

The year is 2030 Person I hate: did you want some vegan cheese substitute on your burger made of synthetic meat? Me: I'm just gonna eat this plastic bottle instead.

You know what's weird? If you catch someone sleeping and wake them up, their immediate reaction is to totally lie about having been asleep.

People say that say marijuana works for pain, are the same people that say caffeine works for tiredness. *stoned me* "It still hurts. But now it hurts AND I'm suddenly really concerned about it."

*after smoking weed* Me: hmm... What to do... I could either eat, or have a panic attack. The possibilities are endless.

(text) Person I consider to be a friend: you can call me if you want. Me: no thank you.