rbf

my therapy appointment wasn't long enough today I didn't get to tell my therapist that I almost didn't make it yesterday, and not because I /wanted/ to kms, but because I almost lost the battle with my thoughts I was falling asleep while driving home yesterday so I tried to take a nap, and instead of sleeping I had a waking nightmare where every voice in my brain was screaming at me to actually do it, and I was yelling back in my head that I didn't want to then the voices made me remember every time something bad had happened, when my brain would be screaming but I couldn't move my body, even the times when I was a kid. my brain made me remember every single fucking time, everything I thought I made myself forget, and the voices in my brain kept telling me over and over to kms. they made me remember every single time that my mom called me a whore for the things that had happened to me, and that everything was my fault, and I was the one who made the bad things happen. and the entire time, the voices kept telling me to just fucking do it they made me remember that every single time I asked a friend for help, it would become a situation where they wanted sex instead of wanting to listen, and now I have no friends the voices kept telling me I had no one to call, and even made me remember the time I tried to kms and I found the texts on my ex's laptop afterward where he and the coworker who fucked him laughed about me trying and then told each other to delete those texts in case I found them and tried again they kept telling me that my phone is silent every single day, that no one texts me or calls me, that I literally have no one to talk to. they even made me remember the time I tried to call my mom just to hear her voice so I could convince myself not to do it, but she still found some reason to belittle me, and I still ended up trying. and they kept telling me that I was a failure, that I couldn't even kms properly I was praying to God to make it stop, I was yelling the same fucking prayer in my head over and over for hours. I was begging him to forgive me because I didn't want to kms this time, and that I was sorry for trying so many times, but the voices in my head wouldn't stop either I finally got a scam call that woke me up, and the voices did stop after that I'm fucking losing it I hate that me speaking up about my assistant manager being a pervert just made our manager think that I'm the problem, that he thinks I need to have less conversations so I'm not distracted and can get more work done, and that I can see both of them walking by more often and watching me to make sure that I'm not talking to anyone. but I'm literally always by myself except for Sunday, then I go home, and now there's no one there to talk to either, and my mom is pretending that she can't see me when she comes over to feed her cats in my yard I feel so fucking invisible, and idk if I'm going to make it through the holidays. ik I'm just going to be alone just like every other year, and everyone ik is going to pretend or forget that I exist. I /want/ to make it to next year, like I'm actually doing well enough in something that could make my future not so shitty and lonely. for the first time in a long time, I don't want to kms, but I'm honestly afraid that my thoughts are going to win eventually

🍦

I told my dog that I wouldn't take her to see [therapist's name] if she wouldn't leave the cats alone and she actually calmed down asshole, ik she knows better

:)

I rest my case

❤︎

little Gengar

Wordle 1957 4/6 🟨🟨⬜⬜🟩 🟨⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

the way my mom silently apologizes by taking my trash cans in 🫠 lmao I'm still moving, sorry, not sorry I'm done with the ridiculous expectations and the bipolar behavior