Undead landlord of the semi-imaginary Cock In Hand pub in Dover. Keeper of Dover's finest freaks and svengali to the local living dead population.
Dover Kent England
Joined February 2011
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Rigor mortis has finally set in, and not in any place useful. Immerse me in Paracrinium and close the door - it's the #weekend!
Don't like what's happened to Twitter since I was last here. Going to annoy people on a local ghost train until I reduce to component atoms.
Sometimes I wish I'd been born a potato! Boring? Yes it probably is, but when did you last see somebody deliberately piss off a spud? #sigh
It must be cold out there, Rhythmisa has taken to wearing his full-length fur Speedos and the peephole is nowhere to be seen. #BrassMonkeys
I don't know how some people can bear to live when they're so fucking stupid. I'm an utter mung bean, but I'm already dead, so it's ok.
8 out of 10 customers can't tell the difference between a sack of dry roasted peanuts and the stench coming from Rhythmisa's Speedos.
I am not a bloody fruit machine, so stop forcing pound coins onto my eye socket and kicking me in the pay tray you mad old bastard!
Well, I had the whole of Twitter to choose from, but the 500th person I've chosen to follow is @ThePaulDaniels. Makes sense, but not a lot!
No good you porn spammers trying to follow me. My cock shivelled up and fell off before you were born. #lostcause #wasteoftime
Seen the beer list for the Dover Beer Festival - no Paracrinium as usual. A bit of battery acid and rabbit shit won't hurt you, #CAMRA boys!
One of my friends is painstakingly decorating his house. I've told him it's easier to spray silage through the letterbox and let it dry.
Who needs Bear Grylls showing you how to survive in the wild? All you need is a bottle of white spirit and a Texan bar. End of story!
Thank God Cyril Smith finally got off my face, I've been trapped under his elephantine arse for days, while he ate endless eggs. Not nice!
I've just seen a product called 'Beef Jerky', which looks & smells exactly the same as my nether regions. Can't vouch for the taste though!
Any country that considers blue jelly and pancakes to be part of a nutritious breakfast, really needs to have a long word with itself! #USA
I urge you all to go to Facebook and beg the artist who did this (Pantholops Scrimshander) to be a life buddy with you!
I'm not employed by you as ride attendant on the Haunted Mansion, you Disney halfwits. So you can't sack me for riding it in 'work' hours.