mateworks

4 years ago… the worst day of my life. The doorbell rang… I answered it thinking it was you coming back from your mountain bike ride hours late. I was about to scold you half jokingly for being so late and for not calling me all day, which was so unusual for you. Little did I know that everything in my life was about to change. The brave police officer at the door told me that you had passed away earlier that day. I went into total shock. I grabbed Blu from inside and put him on my hip and held him close. He was just 3 years old at the time. My whole world imploded. I could barely stand. In the days and weeks to come, I survived on 1-3 hours sleep. I cried myself to sleep every night for about 18 months solid. I had experienced sadness and loss before in my 45 years, but this tsunami of grief was unlike anything I ever knew was possible. I finally understood what it meant to die of a broken heart, as my own heart felt like it would fail me physically so many times from the immense pain and grief I was feeling emotionally. I still think about you all the time. You come to me in my dreams now and then and I know it’s you saying hello from the other side. I try to keep your memory alive with stories to our son. The smell of pine trees brings back so many memories of our hundreds of hikes in the forest together. Your lips are still the last lips I have kissed. I am trying my best everyday to bring joy and happiness into the life I have left with our son. He is my first priority. I see so much of your beauty and kindness in him. He is growing into a handsome young man and you exist in every cell of his body. Sometimes I think about the stupid arguments we had with deep regret, wishing we had lived with a lighter, more forgiving heart. But I can’t go back in time. All I can do now is to take that regret and transform it into love and kindness towards myself and others and to live each day with more happiness, purpose and intention. I have had to let you go, so that I can continue living, but it wasn’t easy and it hasn’t been without an ocean of tears. I know that you are in a better place. But I hope that you will always know that you are forever in my heart, Mark. You changed me for the better. I know your soul is at peace. You were a man amongst men. A leader. My king. I am so grateful that I was given 18 years with you. Until we meet again… Your wife, Leah 💗🌸