"Can I heart emoji another man's texts or does that mean I'm gay?" -Pat Mcafee fans

“You look good for your age.” “Thanks. You’re nice for a jerk.”

More details on my standup special taping last night here: buff.ly/zJ28zjf

Everyone waits until the last minute to buy tickets these days. I wanna complain about that, but I tend to do the same thing so… 🤷🏻‍♂️

"He said whaaaaaaat about Nicki Minaj' ass?"

my taping went great. truly amazing. and now it's me throwing out two years of material and starting all over again. sometimes ya gotta burn down the forest to let the new trees grow. onward.

Modern day America may be the only place that's ever existed in which foreigners understand the system of government better than the people who actually live there. 😂

Gonna start sending this with “up your alley!” as passive aggressive way to troll bk moms 😜

Every time I post something serious, people tell me to stick to comedy. Every time I post a standup clip, people tell me I shouldn’t do comedy. So which is it???? 😂

I feel like part of the problem with "cancelled" is no one can agree on what it actually means.

I did the opposite of EVISCERATE this heckler here: buff.ly/1TNZrsb

Everyone's getting too hot. We gotta put an embargo on hotness. Lips and butts can only get so big. Pecs can only get so buff. We're all gonna topple over soon. Enough is enough.

“Mmhmm. Yes. Right. Yes. Yes. Mmhmm. Right. Yes. Yes. Yesssss.” -Amy Poehler agreeing with guests on her podcast or Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally 😜

The Bert Kreischer of college football.

A joke format I detest is when the comic lies to the audience and then the punchline is something like "I just lied to you all and you bought it AHAHAHA." Yeah, they gave you the benefit of the doubt. What a bunch of suckers. Maybe try writing a punchline instead of a prank show.

Promo code FUNKY10 gets em $10 off. newyorkcomedyclub.com/shows/…

🎥 Live special taping • October 25 • NY Comedy Club (24th St) 🗯️ “Button-pushing…funny...a New York comedy institution.” -NY Times 🗯️ “One of the smartest voices in standup right now.” -Standupworld com

Congrats! You owned the libs...and now you own nothing else.

🦓🍑🤷‍♂️ buff.ly/Mz0Jmzf

"It's not that I'm getting old. It's that I'm RIGHT." -Old people throughout history