Long term Twitter use has only 2 possible outcomes: 1) you become a overbearing politics obsessed scold 2) your brain becomes so diseased that you can only laugh at stuff like “it’s ya boy tarantula dick”

Millennials want to wear toe rings to a music festival, but the real men are looking for women who are wearing ankle monitors to the gas station where they buy vapes using change

Due to being coddled by their helicopter parents, the current generation lacks the social skills to deal with a hood baddies.

If any of you have been wondering what I’m up to now that I don’t post much anymore. I’m just watching YouTube shorts about hood baddies at the gas station

Recently I was having such severe chest pain. I thought I was having a heart attack and had to go get an EKG. It turns out it was just really bad acid reflux. The simple truth is that if you ever feel your life is going really bad it’s just that your tummy hurts.

Presented without comment

This is basically what Iran is doing to Trump

Modern women are not interested in men, all they really want is to get Lyme disease

Big news everyone, I just ordered a Cubano Sandeich at El Super Pan

Why did Facebook think I needed to see this, what have I been looking at that led me here?

One of the best feelings in the world is revisiting an album you’ve loved for a long time and discovering a previously overlooked song deeply speaks to who you are now. Enter “I just wasn’t made for these times”

I have asked Charles numerous questions about his brain size and he has chosen to plead the 5th

I'm having my girlfriend freeze her eggs so when we are older we can have a kid omelette

I know I have a lot of Canadian friends and followers on here. I thought Canada was a chill country. You guys need to calm the fuck down.

The Internet and phones are down at work, which is a good time to remind you. If you airdrop something to another dude, that dude is your husband now and you’re gay

Please Trump, unblock the strait of Hormel, I need that god damn chili

I love to eat 3 bags of gummi bears a night and if anyone questions me about it, I tell them I’m rediscovering my passion

So life is a never ending labyrinth of insecurities, economic anxiety and an unstable world order on the verge of all out war? Well let me ask you question? Have you ever tried Mocktails?

The first time Dr.David Banner turned into the Hulk was when they added an 18% gratuity to his check at Olive Garden because there was a party of 8

He tried to warn us, but we weren’t ready to hear it

Most mental illnesses can be cured by wearing “barefoot” shoes for 30 days