mitch hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.