Tim Miller

Hey @Newegg I guess no one really felt like packing this let alone tape it whatsoever. The FedEx label was connected right to the product’s box.

Opposing team’s homerun ball #ThrowbackThursdays

It’s going to be a interesting day when you wake up with the movie Demolition Man in your head.

If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the... oh shoot, I left my windows open in my car!

Nothing brings me more joy on a Sunday morning than watching my 2yo sweep the floor while crapping herself. #parenting

Let’s divide the US in half. One half will be people who say “hello” when you say it to them. The other half will be the jerks. That’s right, I’m talking to you too “head nod guy.”

Is 2 years old to young to send through Scared Straight? #parenting

Man 1: What beautiful countryside. Man 2: I don’t know about you but this makes me what to smack some balls around. How #golf was invented.

I used to think $100 was a lot of money. Like when I first started typing this tweet.

Exciting news, I’m going to add to my resume of being a videographer/photographer. I’m going to med school so I can tell my doctor I dabble in trauma and orthopaedic surgery.

“Please”

Adult morning thought: Self: What are you looking forward to today? Self: Going asleep tonight.

Person 1 comes flying into a gas station & jumps out of their car. They angrily run over to Person 2. P1: Do you know you cut me off & I almost died! P2 drops to P1’s feet & sobs. P2: I’m. So. Sorry. A single tear falls from P2’s eye. Another example of ROAD REDEMPTION.

I used to think it was difficult to brush our dog’s teeth. Then we had a toddler. It’s unfortunate when she gets bit.

Man 1 waiting to board plane talking to man 2. Man 1: Have you ever seen them stop someone who tried boarding early? Man 1 and 2 now walking into plane. Man 1: Have you ever heard the ticket scanner make a buzz sound? Me (whispers): Have you even ever lived? I win.

Woman sitting beside me on the plane puts on a facial mask. Me (whispers): The only mask I like stars Cher and the guy who has the mask. Game. Set. Match. Point.

Guy and girl are walking off of a plane. Man: I have a bag just like that that I travel with. I notice he doesn’t have it with him currently. Me (whispers): Lies. Checkmate me.

Well, that’s an awkward emoji to use from the pest control guy.

Server: How was your meal this evening? Patron: It was very good, thank you. (COMEDIC BEAT) *vomits* Server: Sir, did you just say “comedic beat” and “vomits?” Patron: (THINKS) Who does this guy think he is? Server: Really?

I feel like there’s a lot of songs featuring @thegreatkhalid Newscaster: Sad news as Shady Acres retirement home burned down today. Now to Lisa Fry in the field featuring Khalid. Khalid: Those retired grannies are fired. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Firedddddd. Oh. We love you. Peace.